UNDESERVED BUDGETS AND GREENLIT STATUSES: WHY WE KEEP GETTING SUCH TERRIBLE FILMS

The summer of 2012 has arguably been the summer of Superhero Blockbusters, leaving our beloved horror genre to seemingly rot away from the movie theaters.  As of today, the most terrifying films in theaters are a tie between the Katy Perry biopic, and Madea's Witness Protection.  While drinking liquid drain cleaner sounds more appealing than either of those films, it's very strange to be starting the last leg of summer and have absolutely ZERO options for new horror films in the theater.  August is rearing its ugly head to deliver us a platter of new horror films, but many of them (based on trailers alone) are questionable at best.  The only thing I'm really excited for this summer is ParaNorman. That's right, a children's horror movie. That's a sign we've got a problem.  I don't know who is in charge of determining which films are green-lit or how much money a film is alotted in its budget, but my guess is that whoever it is, doesn't take the time to read a damn script.  It would appear that having a quality story means absolutely jack shit these days.  I only say this after enduring hours upon hours of horror films that never deserved to be anything more than chicken scratch on a stained napkin at Denny's.

The worst instance of this epidemic would have to be flashing the old (and I mean OLD) resume card.  There is a reason that athletes, musicians, and even public workers retire at some point.  Retirement doesn't mean that passion for your career has subsided, it just means you aren't quite as good at it as you once were.  Don't believe me?  Compare the voices of aging rockstars, the speed of aging athletes, and the film quality of aging filmmakers.  Ol' Uncle George Romero is the undisputed King of the Zombies, created the most beloved movie monster in nearly a century, and completely changed the face of horror as we know it.  When George Romero was in his prime, he was absolutely unstoppable.  Dawn of the Dead is still hailed as the greatest zombie film of all time and Romero has become the epitome of a horror icon.  No one is more memorable, recognisable, or as idolized as George A. Romero.  Flash forward out of the 1960's and you'll find yourself with an adorable old man who has completely lost his grasp of what makes a good horror film.  If stating the truth about the consistency of Uncle George makes me a blasphemous horror blogger, you're on the wrong site.  George had shown his decline with plenty of his non-zombie films like Bruiser and The Dark Half, but his latest installments of his "...of the Dead" series have showed that Romero has lost his touch.  It's not even the effects that are a problem, it's the storyline and especially so, the dialogue.  My God.  Anyone with half of a brain cell could read the screeplays to these films and know to run away. However, you slap the name "Romero" on a film with the words "dead", "zombie", or "horror", and movie studios will break open their Swiss piggy banks to fund the damn movie. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO FALL FOR THE NAME.  You don't care about the trailer, you don't care about the dialogue, you don't care about the quality of it at all. You see the name Romero and you drop your panties and run to the theater and Phillip J. Fry style shake wads of money in the faces of ticket vendors.  Luckily the score on Rotten Tomatoes killed My Soul To Take so badly it scared most people away, even though a lot of you still fell for the name Wes Craven.

Another quick way to get unnecessary greenlights and big budgets is finding a way to milk a current cash cow.  All of the highest grossing horror films of the last few yeras have been ones that come from something else. The second someone slaps the title "From the makers of..." to a trailer, everyone loses their mind and has to go see it. Why? BECAUSE THE GUY FROM SAW MADE IT! or BECAUSE IT'S LIKE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.  Remember what happened when they set up a horror movie like that? You wound up with The Devil Inside and had an ending you had to watch on the internet. Way to go, sheepies. The worst part about it, they were greenlit solely for that reason.  Some of the films that come from "the makers of..." are absolutely TERRIBLE, but the film industry knows your lemming ass will go see something solely because you liked what came before it.  I can't blame people for doing it, but it's a sham.  Running off of "brand name" horror will only get you so far, and then everything you create will be just another Crystal Pepsi failure. 

They say it's not what you know, but rather who you know.  Anyone who doesn't believe this is the truth is either sadly naiive, or the child of a famous person.  As much as the film Chronicle is a hell of a great big budget debut for Max Landis, it's hard to imagine that his screenplay would have gotten any sort of notice if it wasn't because he shares a name with an incredibly well decorated director.  World War Z is at best, an average zombie novel and in no way/shape/form should have ever crossed into the territory of film adaptation, but when it's written by a guy who sprung from the loins of Mel fucking Brooks, getting a publishing house to take a look at your zombie book isn't going to be difficult.  I'm not saying that anyone who comes from well established Hollywood parents is innately untalented, I'm saying they have a hell of a lot easier of a time achieving their dreams.  Some of the world's most talented filmmakers will never experience what it's like to see their film completed with the best of actors and the best of cameras simply because the film industry is really tough.  Add that to the fact that there are too many mediocre, yet entitled kids trying to do the exact same thing and there's no more room at the inn for Johnny Moviemaker.   

The absolute worst, most despicable offender of unnecessary greenlighting and budget approvals, is none other than the shameless associations.  I'm talking about films like Vampires Suck and the upcoming Warm Bodies.  These are films that are made simply to try and steal some of the money train off of Twilight. TWILIGHT. Of all the fucking things.  First of all, the lowest grossing Harry Potter movie has earned more money than all of the Twilight films COMBINED and yet this shit is producing unnecessary spin-offs? While Warm Bodies isn't a vampire romance, it is a zombie romance where the zombie looks like a pretty boy and it makes me want to violently shake.  This film would have NEVER been made if it hadn't been for Hollywood trying to replace the cash flow of the Twi-hards. It's situations like this that frustrate me to no end.  There are so many films that struggle to find the funding, films that DESERVE the funding, that will never reach it all because of the way the "game" is played.  It saddens me to admit that the world of cinema isn't funded by passion, creativity, or quality anymore. Movies now only exist because of dollar signs, and that my friends is very, very sad. 

FEED ME: AN ANALYSIS OF THE USE OF FOOD IN HORROR FILMS

Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals. The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man, and this meal. However informal it might appear, you can be sure that there was to be little, bonhommie. -The Rocky Horror Picture Show

 Horror films exploit the things we fear not only by the use of the horrifying creatures of our imaginations, but also at the most basic levels.  Films like Frozen exploit the fear of being stranded, fear of being frozen, fear of heights, and fear of helplessness, while films like Psycho showcase the fear of showering, new surroundings, and strangers.  Everyday occurrences that we often look at meaningless activities are quickly turned into something only our nightmares would think to torture us with.  Tapping into our psyches with the things we not only enjoy, but require for survival and twisting them into horrific scenarios tend to be some of the most memorable.  Arguably one of the most well known examples is the way horror films have dealt with food.  Where romantic comedies have an instant connection to flowers and chocolates, horror movies seem to have an instant connection to blood and breasts.  While it is undoubtedly a fact that horror films contain a plethora of mammaries and vein goo, one of the more common factors of our beloved genre is located a little lower than our spurting arteries.  That's right, the quickest way to a horror fan's heart isn't with a blade...it's with a feast.

One of the more obvious ways horror has haunted our dietary dreams is with altering what was actually IN our food.  Charlton Heston's famous discovery of the ingredients of Soylent Green made freaky food horror films a staple in science fiction films.  What made the film so scary wasn't the events that took place or the suspicious activity by those involved it was the reveal of what Soylent Green contained.  To discover that the only something that could keep you alive contained the remains of your loved ones is quite possibly one of the most horrifying discoveries in science fiction history and therefore brought to light our fear of being fed the unknown.  

Larry Cohen has always been a strange bird when it came to his directing choices, and The Stuff was no different.  As an ice cream aficionado, The Stuff has always been a difficult story to swallow.  Differing from Soylent Green which was used for civilians to survive, "the stuff" was a luxury food item, a new product without calories that was as sweet and creamy as ice cream.  I'm sorry, but if someone promised me an item like that, I'd be all over it.  In a world where we're constantly being shelled out new food fads one after the other, films like The Stuff completely tap into the fear that what we're eating...very well may be eating us.  See also: Killer Tomatoes From Outer Space.

To take it a step further and more in your face, leave it up to Lloyd Kaufman to deliver the freaky food flick Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.  More of a satire on the fast food industry through the eyes of a horror film, Poultrygeist used the American's addiction to fast food to show the horrifying side effects that Super Size Me never got a chance to experience.  If the health centers and their war on obesity want to really strike some fear into us carnivores, they should really take the Troma approach because I have honestly been a little weary of any sort of fast food chicken since seeing the film.  I'm serious, it's that tromatizing.

In many instances, the food itself isn't what scares us, it's the idea of being eaten.  Dating all the way back to Nosferatu and Count Dracula, vampires were really the first to experience eating people in a sense with their blood lust.  The vampire bite is arguably one of the most recognizable wounds in horror history and although they may not be "eating" us, they are drinking us, which is equally as horrifying.   Hannibal Lecter may not have been the first cannibal, but he easily became the staple of man eating anti-heroes.  Cannibalism is pretty self explanatory when it comes to why it's scary, so I'm not going to waste any more time insulting your intelligence trying to explain why you'd be freaked out if someone on bath salts came bum rushing after you in the nude.  On that same coin, I'm not going to go on and on about why zombies are important because they feed on human flesh.  If you're ill informed about the fear factor of zombies and cannibals...you're on the wrong blog, kid.

Not only is Hitchcock one of the most respected directors in film history regardless of genre, but he was a genius when it came to using food as a plot device in his films.  Hitchcock used food as a tool so many times in his films, two French women compiled a cookbook centered around all of the meals in his films.  My personal favorite (and I'm sure one of yours) is when Janet Leigh barely touches her toast as Norman expresses his relationship with his mother and his thoughts about the meaning of life in his room of taxidermy. For two solid minutes she holds a piece of toast and never moves it lower than it's initial placement other than to her lips.  The tension the audience develops between her uneasiness with her final meal while listening to the banter of Norman Bates.

The scratching of plates, the sounds of swallowing, and the echos of bodies digesting food is a critical tool used to set the tone and mood of the situation.  The silent dinner is a commonly used scenario, but it's when a happy and joyous dining experience is interrupted that catches the audience off guard and helps generate a more powerful scare.  Look no further than the infamous "chestburster" scene from Alien.  The gang seems to be laughing along before the choking sounds and bodily convulsions interrupt the happiness only to have dessert be a giant try of sprinting alien baby.  One of the more unsettling scenes in Poltergeist is when diner is being prepared like any other day and the slab of meat begins to move on its own.  If those aren't ways to destroy an appetite, I don't know what is.

Then there's the idea of intentionally being fed food that is meant for our demise.  The set up is always the same whether it's The Rocky Horror Picture Show,  2001 Maniacs, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, or even Serial Mom.  An unsuspecting individual is given a meal on a silver platter beneath a beautifully polished cloche only to be removed and a disgusting or terrifying dish is laying underneath.  Sometimes we're delivered the heads of our loved ones or sometimes we're delivered rats by our insane sisters, but there's something about not being able to see underneath the cloche that only adds to the suspense of figuring out just what the hell we're being served up for dinner.  It's a classic horror freak out and even if there's nothing scary underneath it, the audience almost always develops a sense of nervousness as the character's hand slowly lifts the top off of the tray.

The lack of food, or starvation is another fear many of us will hopefully never have to endure, but something that is very, very real.  While horror movies aren't going to start focusing on our poverty crisis anytime soon, they have found many ways to give us the heebie jeebies at the thought of losing one of our most basic needs.  In the film Dread, a vegetarian character is locked in a room with raw meat simply to see how long it will take her before she finally cracks and eats it.  Watching the poor girl hide in the corners from the meat until her carnal instincts to feed take over was one of the more gut wrenching scenes and it was a very realistic portrayal of the human's response to hunger.

On the other hand, overeating is also an easy go-too for freak outs in films.  One of the more obvious examples is the victim of Gluttony in deadly sin crime-thriller Se7en.  The poor bastard went all Orson Welles and ate himself to death.  The same way we all waited for Violet Bauregaurde to pop in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, we were all filled with the same sensation after watching Brenda fill up with alien baby slugs in Slither.  From the second we were shown her gargantuan body, every single person was eagerly awaiting her inevitable pop...and boy was it ever a blow out.

Of course I'm going to be missing plenty more examples and this is in no way a definitive analysis.  Please feel free to discuss more examples and situations in the comment section and don't miss out on the conversations that occur over on the Day of the Woman facebook page.

HOW NON HORROR AUDIENCES AT THE CABIN IN THE WOODS HAVE PROVEN HORROR NEEDS A FACELIFT

HI: 

THIS CONTAINS MILD SPOILERS FOR 

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS. 

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. 

The horror world has been doing nothing but gleam about the little darling that is The Cabin In The Woods, and with good reason. (I also need to point out that anytime I say the title of the film, I sing this song.) It's no doubt that this film is undeniably the best mainstream horror film to come out in nearly a decade, and has shot up to horror fans' top ten lists with a raging force.  My good pal Johnny over at Freddy In Space has been doing a bang up job of covering and analyzing everything associated with the film, and I think that before you divulge into my rambling, his opinion is well worth checking out.  Anyway, back to the point of this article.  There have been tons of reviews flying around all of the media outlets, but they're all written by three different types of people.  Horror journalists, general film critics, and hyperactive teenagers with an internet access would appear to be the major voices when it comes to reviewing this film.  Now I'm not discounting any of these opinions, but when it comes to determining the success or failure of something that is determined solely by opinion...we must take into account those that are unbiased.  Horror fans are undoubtedly going to geek out over this film because it was a fanboy fantasy delivered on a silver fucking platter.  What about the non-horror folk? Doesn't their ticket money matter as well?

As much as I'd like to believe that the sole purpose of horror films being made is to present something to appeal to the fan, we all know it's a load of poppycock.  Films (regardless of genre) HAVE TO MAKE MONEY.  You could have the best horror film in the world but if only horror fans like it, it is going to flop. Plain and simple. Film companies thrive off of those date night ticket stubs, and the "too young to drink, so what else are we going to do" aged young adults with minimum wage jobs but Mom and Dad still paying for their survival.  That my friends, is a FACT.

Tonight I was lucky to experience something that most of my horror bretheren aren't as lucky to endure.  Horror fans are a breed of their own and we tend to stick to our own kind when it comes to satisfying our livelihood's horrific desires.  However, I've got a best friend I met back during my bitchin' child beauty pageant days that was willing to venture off into the depths of the sticky floored cinema under the pretenses that I'm showing her something that will scare the tan lines right off of her hips.  I have to say, mission accomplished.  As much as I had great joy feeling her jump out of her skin and watch as her hands shifted from squeezing the arm chair to covering her mouth in pure disbelief, I learned more from watching her reactions than I did from the film itself.  Everyone keeps talking about how this movie is so "original".  Okay, yeah, TCITW is original in comparison to the remake craze Hollywood seems to be on, but TCITW is the furthest thing from original.  All it did was pull a SCREAM/Behind The Mask and get super meta with a twist (one that wasn't even reserved for the ending).  Now. That being said. Here's a few things I learned from watching the reactions of a non-horror buff.

I) MUSIC HAS GOTTEN TOO PREDICTABLE:  Everyone knows that half of the battle of establishing fear is creating the atmosphere.  Psychology has proven that we associate what we hear with what we believe is a present danger.  For example: there's a reason that we know the shark is going to attack in JAWS, that Michael Myers is just around the corner in Halloween, that there are stab wounds occurring in the shower during Psycho, or the lack of sound while the body floats in Resident Evil triggering us to expect it to move.  Music is an extremely powerful entity and horror is quite possibly the king when it comes to utilizing and exploiting that power.  That being said, we're beating the same dead horse over and over and over again.  Knowing where all of the "jump scares" were going to happen in this film, it gave me the opportunity to people watch and giggle at the impending shocks they all seemingly knew were coming (even if they weren't).  Just because the strings began to crescendo and hit fermatas on the higher notes, the entire audience began to cringe.  It's almost Pavlovian at how we've all been conditioned to react to violins in horror movies. Granted, I understand that the reason we use this formula is because it works, but maybe we should experiment a bit and figure out another way to use sound to our advantage.  The use of Vassy's "Desire" during Jules' drunken cabin dance in front of the fire was arguably my favorite use.  The bass line pumped from an exterior shot of the cabin and resembled somewhat of a frantic heartbeat.  It immediately put me on edge as well as the rest of the audience, and the sigh of relief that came over when we realized she was merely dancing was a satisfying payoff.  I would gladly enjoy seeing more of that.

II) WEAPONRY NEEDS TO STEP UP ITS GAME: This one isn't even a criticism of The Cabin In The Woods, it's actually a HUGE compliment to it.  One of the initial thoughts that Zach Shildwachter and I shared after our viewing was how incredible the use of the bear trap on a chain was as far as a weapon.  It instills enough terror as bear traps are horrifying on their own, but to hook it to a chain and be able to use it like a damn lasso is one of the most genius concepts I've seen in a long while.  I had assumed that this was just going to excite a horror junkie after witnessing year after year of knife wielding madmen, but it would appear that non-horror fans crave unique instruments of torture as much as we do.  I am probably going to regret making this statement due to my hatred of the franchise, but I cannot deny the reality of SAW changing the face of modern horror.  SAW is arguably the most successful horror franchise of recent years and horror audiences have either spent the last decade in a womb of torture horror or growing up with torture horror reigning as the status quo.  To put it bluntly, knives and axes just don't do it for us anymore.  However, the simplicity of a one motion weapon still seems to have the prowess.  Audiences like the quickness of the knife, but the terrifying originality of a SAW trap.  Therefore, hearing two separate and VERY difference audiences audibly respond with "...is that a fucking bear trap on a chain?!" further proved this thought.  While the Chicago audience of horror nerds on opening night wailed in delight towards the weapon, the cornfield Macomb, IL audience was struck with fear upon its first strike.  Leslie Vernon also had the right idea with a scythe, and that film was also pretty damn well received.  Sensing the pattern?

III) ZOMBIES CAN SLOW DOWN: I'm not against running zombies or anything (okay, maybe I am) but I've noticed that whenever a movie features running zombies, there's a good chance that they're running will be utilized for bad camera work or jump scares.  Slow moving zombies have always been effective because they creep up on you, not jump at you without ever giving you a chance to run.  Running zombies give a cheap thrill while slower moving zombies have time to fester underneath you and put you in a constant state of paranoia.  When Marty stood outside the cabin as Patience Buckner hobbled her one-armed ass out of the forest and towards him, there was an audible reaction from the audience wanting him to go back inside.  Those sort of scenes cannot exist with fast moving zombies because they'd be heard.  That goes back to the predictable music argument.  Marty turned around because he "thought" he heard something, but Patience had wandered into the shadows and he couldn't see her.  Running (true) zombies do not allow for suspenseful scenarios because they'll be too easy to see and hear.  Now, films like ...28 days later have found ways to use quick "zombies/infected" but we must also accept that a good portion of their screen time is used to jump out and spit blood all over someone or with a quick attack.  Audiences attention spans may be slipping, so the goal is to keep them on their toes with quality, creepy, continuous moments, not bombard them with jump scares.

IV) WE CAN STOP DUMBING DOWN DIALOGUE: I don't know what Joe-Blo Hollywood exec. decided that the only people watching movies have the IQ of a lima bean, but we need to stop treating the dialogue in horror films like junior high banter.  Do you want to know which jokes in this film got the biggest laughs? The ones that required actual cognitive process.  Of course there were some chuckles with the stoner jokes, but the pop culture references and intellectual dick jokes got the strongest reactions.  I want a T-Shirt with "husband's buldge" written on it.  They could have very easily said "erection" or "boner" BUT THEY DIDN'T.  They used a terminology that fit for the time of the diary and was still wildly entertaining.  I even heard audience members during the reading of the Latin using their high school semester of Spanish class skills to figure out what he was saying.  Audiences aren't nearly as idiotic as we'd like to believe, and they're clearly happy when the filmmaker never insults their intelligence.  Seriously, if I see one more zombie movie where the characters have no idea what to do with them, I'm going to snap.  They're characters, yes, but they're still human beings capable of understanding the world around them.  It's the 21st century, if you think characters haven't heard "aim for the head" once in their life, you're a damn fool.

V) ENVIRONMENTAL CHANGES ARE A GOOD THING: This is going back to the short attention span thing, changing the environment every once in a while is a good thing.  Give the audiences something else to look at, and DEFINITELY change the lighting.  My movie date was discussing how much she enjoyed the contrasting scenes between the facility and the cabin, as it gave her time to process and wonder.  By changing settings (especially in the manner in which Cabin does by showing bits of the other setting in the background) it gives the audience a conflicting state of mind in that they want to pay attention to what is in front of them, but they are driven mad with wonder as to what is going on in the other setting.  By having layers to the storyline, it keeps the audience engaged to more than just what they're being spoon fed.  Audiences can think for themselves and the DO have imaginations...let them play.

VI) COLOR INSIDE THE LINES: While there are plenty of things that could use a change, the most important thing is that we remember our roots.  There's a difference between being predictable and sticking to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.  This film exposed the formulaic existence of horror films BUT presented them in an entirely different manner.  Whedon knew exactly how to tickle our fancy with just enough of a meta factor to entertain us but with enough variety to keep us from getting bored.  It's like having a twist ending, but without the poor execution and dissatisfying results.  My movie date kept trying to ask me what was going to happen next and thought she had it all figured out within the first fifteen minutes (including the death order) but LOVED when she was proven only half-right and the other half was from a completely different ballpark all together.  THIS IS WHAT WE NEED.  Stop trying to do something uber new or uber unique because chances are you're going to end up with a different for different's sake style of film that will have the aura of a pretentious collegiate liberal arts piece.  FIND A BALANCE BETWEEN NEW AND OLD.  Or just go old, vintage never goes out of style (I'm looking at you Ti West). 

SINCE WHEN DID BEING A HORROR FAN BECOME SUCH A PISSING CONTEST?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?

I'm bored, you're pretty, and tumblr brought me pretty pictures. Let's have some fun, shall we? I'm posting a series of gifs and screencaps, and you tell me what film they're from. Ready? Steady? GO!

 

All of the images were shamelessly jacked from ATTACK OF THE GIANT ANTS

2012: THE YEAR OF THE VIDEO GAME

As part of BJ-C's personal list of resolutions for the New Year, I am going to be updating every single day for 2012.  You heard me right. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You may be saying to yourself "but, BJ-C, it's the 2nd, and you missed yesterday." Well, I spent my first of the year the same way the rest of you did, hungover.  As far as I'm concerned, the new year doesn't start until the 2nd because we're all too dead to the world to function the day of the first.  ANNNNNYWAY.  

As a college student, I'm not ashamed to admit that I surely know my way around a video came controller.  As much as I love horror films, I have gone on record before saying that horror video games scare me more than movies ever could.  There's just something about the interaction that just makes my mind lose all sense of control.  If 2011 was the year of the horror TV show, 2012 is destined to be the year of the video game.

If I ever needed another reason to invest in a 3DS, this is just putting the nail in the coffin.  Ladies and Germs, the eighth installment of the Resident Evil franchise is coming to our fingertips...in 3-D.  I don't know if you've had a chance to play a 3DS, but the visuals are brilliant and the graphics are clear as a whistle.  I've been creeping on the previews for this game, and I'm mighty impressed. The game is beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. The game play looks very reminiscent of the fifth game and the creators have promised that Resident Evil: Revelations will have a return to the fear and puzzles of games past. I'm down. Also coming out this year is Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City which doesn't seem to have been generating nearly the same buzz as Revelations.  This one will be released for XBOX 360, Playstation 3, and Windows, meaning it's not going to require an investment into a ridiculously expensive gameboy. The plot is from the perspective of a security service member of Umbrella corp and your job is to destroy evidence. A bit of a different play on the usual perspectives of the game, but I won't be waiting outside Gamestop at midnight for this one.

Resident Evil might be bringing us two game, but Silent Hill is bringing  the bitch slappery by delivering THREE games. We'll figure out what the world would be like in a multiplayer setting with Book of Memories.  A lot of people are really hesitant about it being a multiplayer game, but I'm weirdly excited about it. Horror games don't really work that well in a multiplayer setting, but I'm not going to write them off.  Silent Hill is notorious for blowing my mind, so we shall see.  Konami is finally giving Silent Hill 2 & 3 the HD treatment and they're given a hell of a facelift with The Remastered Collection.  The one I'm really excited for is Silent Hill: Downpour.  Goodbye fog, hello rain. Yes, please.  I've gotten so used to the fog that I can predict where the monsters are coming from and it takes the fear factor out.   It'll be a nice change of pace and the gameplay looks BEAUTIFUL. 

Alright, Alan Wake is the shit. There, I said it. Alan Wake was beautiful, interesting, eerie, and a hell of a lot of fun.  The game was seriously the Arrested Development of horror games.  Don't know what you've got, 'til it's gone.  Anyway, the creator obviously knows that despite sales, he's got a gem and we are lucky to have Alan Wake's American Nightmare.  The game seems to take place in the nightmare version of Pee Wee's Playhouse.  I say that in the sense where as Pee Wee's Playhouse was filled with talking and laughing objects, Alan Wake is overrun with objects of EEEEEVIIILLL. Birds, satellites, and even your own soul is an evil entity hell bent on destroying you.  Grab your flannel, it's go time.

Have you ever seen a film that you thought to yourself "Yep. I could totally make sweet, sweet love to a video game".  Well, that's how I feel about Lollipop Chainsaw.  This game is seriously a giant wet dream for any fanboy or fangirl.  You play Juliet Starling, a bad ass cheerleader from Sam Romero High school armed with a chainsaw and gymnastics skills.  The game is filled with bright lights and giggling laughter to contrast the groaning zombies and blood splatters.  Zombie jocks and undead faculty, and a bigger challenge, zombie rock lords. ZOMBIE. ROCK. LORDS. This game looks perfect.

Two other games I'm pretty stoked about are AMY and The Secret World.  Amy is a survival-horror game where players escort a strange 8-year old autistic girl named Amy as they try to get her out of a city overrun with wild creatures and enemies. The player can control Lana, the woman escorting Amy, and protecting her.  In the attempt to escape, they have to fight monsters, the military, and other crazed creatures.  Extra points for Amy having supernatural abilities.  The Secret World looks like what could very well be the start of the next franchise of horror video games.  This game has been in production for what seems like forever.  It's an MMO which means we could very well be looking at a game that could attempt to turn horror fans into the realm of WoW.  The game is set in modern times but incorporates history (both real and fake), urban legends, ancient mythology, and extinct civilizations.  I'm all for this game.  I don't care if I have to become a hermit addicted to the computer in order to pl-oh wait.

WHAT MAKES A GOOD HORROR MOVIE?

A number of horror movies have been released as of late to panned reviews from critics and low box office numbers.  It has been suggested that mainstream horror has lost its way and it seems as if we're only another remake away from destroying any cinematic credibility we once had.  This is focusing solely on mainstream horror for simplicity's sake.  If I were to open the can of worms and include indie/underground films/films with limited releases, we'd be splitting hairs.  Regardless, mainstream horror has been perpetually insulting not only genre fans, but audiences for far too long and it's gotten a little out of control.  So, I pose this question-what makes a good horror movie?  We sit here and talk about how horror films are going downhill, and yet we aren't making any arguments as to how to fix something.  If you are going to complain about a problem, make sure you have an answer to fix the dilemma.  With help from those that gave input through the Day of the Woman facebook page, here's a base on what it is that makes a good horror film. 

ATMOSPHERE

Within five minutes of posing the question on facebook, I was overwhelmed with requests that a good horror film contain "atmosphere".  When a horror film rests on the instant gratification of a jump scare, it doesn't allow the audience member to slip themselves into the world of the film.  Bertolt Brecht made a name for himself creating performances that were made specifically to distance the audience from what was on stage.  While this practice may work for certain art forms, horror films are not one of them.  If you want a horror film to truly invade the consciousness of an audience and show its strength through standing hairs and goosebumps, the atmosphere is going to play a pivotal role in the success of creating fear.

PLOT

One of the main attributes that horror films appear to be omitting is a strong plot.  It appears that most horror films are being created with the sole purpose to shock or frighten, and the storyline holding the film together seems to receive the least amount of focus.  While a killer, monster, madman, or event can be terrifying, it will be hindered dramatically if there isn't a plot to support the actions.  Thanks to M. Night Shyamalan, horror films have also been placing a greater emphasis on developing an impacting ending, rather than a concise vision throughout the entire duration.  This is leaving the audience without a feeling of fulfillment and irritation caused by the holes left behind.  

ACTORS THAT CAN ACT

As a student finishing up a degree in theatre performance, there is nothing more disappointing than sitting through a horror film and knowing an actor/actress was cast purely on their appearance or their reputation rather than their talent.  Horror films are notorious for giving many well known performers their "big break" or their first chance at a feature film, and yet it has only been as of late that we've been seeing more and more people pop up in horror films that shouldn't have ever made it past an audition reel.  We've focused so much of our energy into their physical appearance which only works in the realm of one-sheets and promotional material.  If you want a successful film, you need talented performers.  I hate to say it, but sometimes...people really are just a pretty face.

SCORE

Underscoring has been proven to either make or break an experience.  The sounds of screaming violins and breathing in the darkness have haunted the nightmares of movie goers for as long as sound has been implemented into film.  The score of a horror film is one of the most fundamental components of a production and yet one of the most overlooked.  Mainstream horror films have seemed to make it their goal to incorporate popular music into their scenes in order to create a more identifiable experience for audience members seeing it directly after the release, but that unfortunately goes out the window once the film is no longer the flavor of the week.  There have been far too many instances in which I've watched a mainstream film from the 1990's and was completely thrown off by the music choices.  However, the score for a film like Suspiria or Psycho will remain timeless and will continue to frighten audiences regardless of generation. 

PACING

If I have to be the one to say it, I will.  Horror films today are moving far too fast.  There's a popular theory that drama moves slowly, comedy moves quickly, and horror movies slowly but finishes quickly.  Insert "that's what she said" jokes as you please.  We has humans have been forced into this hustle and bustle way of life and our horror films have begun to follow suit.  If anything, we need to slow the films down if only to contrast to the way that we function.  If we slow the films down, it will help to create an unusual experience for the audience as it will be a way of moving that we aren't used to.  Filmmakers are often times unsure on how to pace a film and then the payoff hasn't been worth the ride.  You have to pace yourself with everything in this world, (running, relationships, sex, eating)  and this includes films.  

A BALANCE OF BLOOD AND GORE

For the love of all things holy, can we PLEASE stop making films with gore for gore's sake?  Seriously.  Just because a filmmaker decides to blow half of the budget on buckets of blood or gets a little trigger happy with CGI, that doesn't mean a good horror film is going to come from it.  Eli Roth and the SAW franchise are perfect examples of how concentrating too hard on gore can cause the overall film quality to suffer.  Seriously.  I'll take a bloodless film over a sixty-five person human centipede any day. 

BELIEVABILITY

Now, listen to me with care when I say that believability doesn't necessarily mean realistic.  Many classic horror films with fantastic (meaning fantasy, not "cool") aspects of the world around that are still able to remain believable are frequently the films that appear to be the most chilling.  If an audience member is equipped with the tools to subject themselves to the world of the film, the experience will then become all the more horrifying.  If the film isn't believable, the audience member will no longer be able to relate to the situation at hand, and therefore will more than likely find a way to avoid the intended fear. 

NOTE: I am in no way all knowing, this is purely opinion based.  Feel free to add your suggestions in the comment section of this article

BJ-C'S HORROR MOVIE RECOMMENDATION LIST FOR THE INEXPERIENCED COLLEGE STUDENT V.2

Ah, the collegiate environment.  As the stale odor of Keystone lingers over the air, the sound of bustling backpacks and shuffling feet can be heard above the chatter on campuses all across the country.  I spent most of my morning sitting amongst sleepy eyed co-eds and trying to figure out "something interesting about myself" to recite in front of my fellow peers rather than attempting to slit my wrists with my syllabus out of pure boredom.  Like most first days, my "interesting" fact is a shameless plug for this blog.  I've made plenty of pals and at the very least, intrigued most of my professors with Day of the Woman.  With a new year brings new opportunities for BJ-C to enlighten the horror challenged youth of Illinois.  With that being said, sharpen your pencils and be sure to pay attention.  This is the annual (and updated) list of horror films geared towards the inexperienced college kid.

CLASSICS

If there's anything I've learned from being in the collegiate environment, it's that anyone born after 1985 seems to have absolutely zero knowledge whatsoever on horror films made before their time. It's weird to comprehend this, but yes, there are people out there who haven't ever seen a horror film in black in white or without computer effects.  Like any History professor will teach you, it's important to know where you came from in order to figure out where you're going.

• Psycho (1960)
• Rosemary's Baby (1968)
• Carnival of Souls (1962)
• The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)
• Nosferatu (1922)
• Faust (1926)
• The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920) 
• FREAKS! (1932)
• Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
• The Birds (1963)

FOREIGN LANGUAGE

One of the more depressing facts of the horror genre is coming to terms with the fact that some of the greatest horror films in existence aren't in English.  Honestly, a good percent of College Americans are just too damn lazy to read freaking subtitles.  However, there are some films too spectacular to look past and deserve their recommendations.  It's very common to require a foreign language course as a graduation requirement, and for that reason alone, it's important for us to integrate foreign horror into our horror required viewings.

• Let The Right One In (2008)
• Audition (1999/2000)
• The Orphanage (2007)
• Inside (2007)
• [REC] (2007)
• Man Bites Dog (1992)
• Eyes Without A Face (1959)
• A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)
• Les Diaboliques (1954)
• The Devil's Backbone (2001)

GHOSTS

It doesn't matter how many horror movies I sit through, there's always something much more frightening about the thought of something actually happening.  Even if people claim not to believe in them, everyone at some point, has been afraid of ghosts.  Whether it be the illustrations from the Alvin Schwartz children's books or the tales told around a campfire, ghosts are a commonplace occurance for fear.  There's something about the possibility of what goes bump in the night to be someone...something else.  The mystery of what becomes of us after we leave this life is a seemingly universal fear for everyone, and ghost movies exploit that fear better than anything.

• Lady in White (1988)
• The Changeling (1980)
• Paranormal Activity (2009)
• The Shining (1980)
• Lake Mungo (2010)
• The Haunting (1963)
• The Orphanage (2007)
• Poltergeist (1982)
• Session 9 (2001)
• The Amityville Horror (1979)

ZOMBIES

Alright, let's face it.  There is absolutely nothing greater in the world of horror movie monsters, than zombies.  Zombies are the kings of the horror world and I don't see them losing their crown anytime soon.  (Suck it, Edward) Even people who hate horror movies understand the workings and the concept behind our undead favorites. The plus side of the zombie being such a popular creature is the plethora of zombie films being cranked out every year. The downside...they're not all good.  It's important to make sure that our inexperienced college brethren are picking up the RIGHT zombie films from Family Video, we wouldn't want them taking home a dud. NOTE: Some of these films are arguably not "zombie" films, but "virus" films.  Screw it, this isn't comic-con. They don't care. They just want hordes. 

• Romero's Night/Dawn/Day of the Dead (1968/1977/1985)
• Zombi 2 (1979)
• ...28 Days Later (2002)
• Dawn of the Dead (2004)
• Return of the Living Dead (1985)
• Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1972)
• Versus (2000)
• Deadgirl (2008)
• Pontypool (2009)
• Dellamorte, Dellamore (1994)

COMEDY

Believe it or not, there is a huge following for horror comedies.  The combination of laughing and screaming seem to entertain the masses.  While most horror comedies tend to be run by the zombie genre, there are plenty of other comedy horror flicks to tickle your fancy. Horror comedies seem to be like the zombie, in that just about everyone loves them. Horror comedies also come in handy when dealing with someone who isn't all that familiar with horror films or tends to scare easily.  It's a nice gateway into the realm we all love so dearly.

• An American Werewolf In London (1981)
• Fright Night (1985)
• Evil Dead II (1987)
• Shaun of the Dead (2004)
• Zombieland (2009)
• Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
• Night of the Creeps (1986)
• Young Frankenstein (1974)
• Slither (2006)
• The Burbs (1989)

SLASHER

Probably the most well-known of the horror genres, college kids seem to eat up slasher films.  With unique kills, sassy dialogue, and the ever entrancing final girls seem to drive straight up young adult alleys.  The sad thing is that most people my age recognize slashers as something concocted by Rob Zombie (or an absolutely dreadful remake company), and all of the great ones go unnoticed.

• Candyman (1992)
• Black Christmas (1974)
• Halloween (1978)
• Scream (1996)
• A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
• The House on Sorority Row (1983)
• Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2007)
• Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)
• American Psycho (2000)
• Friday The 13th (Screw it, just pick one)

SCI-FI

Everyone knows that college is filled with more than its fair share of nerds.  After the countless unnecessary GenEd's of the biologies and the computer sciences, it's nice to see the sci-fi work in a more entertaining fashion.  And what do nerds love more than science fiction? Horror of course! You add a little horror to the mix, and you've got something that appeals to more than just the protractor posse!  No offense of course, most of my best friends are nerds....Anyway, sci-fi and horror seem to go hand and hand.  It is by combining these two forces that we are given some of the best horror films in existence.

• Videodrome (1983)
• The Thing (1982)
• Alien (1979)
• Event Horizon (1997)
• Lifeforce(1985)
• They Live (1987)
• It Came From Outer Space (1953)
• The Blob (1988)
• Scanners (1981)
• The Fly (1986)

GORE

There really isn't much that needs to be said.  College kids are a simple breed with simple expectations and simple amusements.  There's no easier way to amuse the sick and twisted little minds of the future's best and brightest than to smother the screen in blood and guts.  It seems that college kids have all been struck by the Saw & Hostel bugs but haven't really seen anything gorier than that.  There are some films like Cannibal Holocaust that I'd never recommend to a college crowd, but that isn't to say there aren't gory gems that need to be seen by the masses!

• Re-Animator (1985)
• Dead Alive (1994)
• House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
• The Beyond (1981)
• City of the Living Dead (1980)
• Tokyo Gore Police (2008)
• Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
• Ichi The Killer (2001)
• The Beyond (1981)
• Tenebre (1982)

 CLASS IS DISMISSED!