HUMANS VS. ZOMBIES: I WILL SURVIVE

EXPOSING FRIENDS TO HORROR FILMS: THE ART OF MAKING CHRISTMAS GIFT GIVING FEEL LIKE A CHUMP

One of the worst parts about the dreaded summer vacation away from college life is the fact that I'm stuck at home living with my parents again.  An even worse aspect about leaving college life is no longer having someone with hours to sit around and do absolutely nothing with.  While exposing my mother and my sister's comrades to horror films once in a blue moon helps me get my rocks off, spending weekends in the living room of my dearest companions with instant-watch Netflix holds the undisputed crown of joy in my life.  Thanks to the holiday laws of 'Merican state schools, my university is on a three day weekend.  Instead of solely spending my free weekend in an alcohol induced coma (if you follow me on twitter, you'll know that I save that for the evenings) most of my hours have been spent in front of a television screen.  In the past 36 hours, we've been witness to Trick 'R Treat, Lake Mungo, Daybreakers, Ghostbusters, Poltergeist, Little Shop of Horrors, and The Exorcist.  It's up for debate whether or not some of these are "horror" movies, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm finally reuinted with people who share the same lust for horror as I do.

The first film was put on out of pure curiosity by my friends, although there were a few who had their doubts based on the cover.  It brought me great pleasure to witness their faces light-up at lines like "Charlie Brown's an asshole!", and watch them jump and down in delight when the stories all began to intertwine.  And yes, as college kids, we all get quite the kick out of the werewolf transition scenes.  It was nice to see the skeptics turn into believers, and the die-hard fans looked as though I had dropped the Holy Grail in their laps.  It's not very often that I've seen a film have such an overwhelming effect on those I've exposed it to, and it makes me feel like I'm watching my children ride a bike with two wheels for the first time.

As the afternoon brought a thunderstorm that shook the windows and cooled the air, they requested a film that would make their skin crawl.  I felt that their appetite could only be suppressed with Australian paranormal nightmares.  As the storm grew quieter, the only sounds that could be heard was the light flicking of nervous fingernail biting and cell phone buttons being tapped purely out of distraction from their fears.  The strangest thing, was how you could feel the frightened energy bouncing around the room as people spent half their time staring at the television screen in disbelief, and the other half of their time scanning the room from some sort of distraction to help ease their fears into submission.  The credits rolled, the big "twist" was revealed and there was...silence.  I presumed at first that the silence was due to the awe of how they all missed the reveal from the beginning, but the silence was directly inspired by fear.  It was at this point that my friend exclaimed "I'm really, really creeped out right now".  Which was shortly follwed by another friend claiming "I really need to go to the bathroom, but I'm way too scared to go".  I firmly believe that a film has truly done its job if it has scared you enough to make peeing your pants seem like a better option than closing a door.

Little Shop and The Exorcist are a bit of a blur (thanks to special rootbeer floats and whipped cream flavored vodka), but I can say that watching the latter long after the possibility of passing a field sobriety test was a new experience.  I don't think I've ever noticed how much Father Karras looks like the poor man's Sly Stallone until last night.  Just Sayin'.  Anyway...after sleeping and consuming a ridiculous amount of greasy food, things resumed with a classic view of Ghostbusters.  Bill Fucking Murry and the rest of the crew made the morning survivable, but we were craving a creepier classic for the afternoon.  Enter Poltergeist.  Most of the room had already seen the flick, but there were the few who hadn't.  It had been a couple of years since my last viewing, so it was a more than warm welcome.  Just a side thought, have any of you noticed how unbelievably depressing the burial preparation for Tweety the bird is?  Christ.  She put a blanket and a family photo in that cigar box.  The film only reminded me how much I love Tobe Hooper and how desperately we need to return to giving horror films actual scores instead of playing shitty metal music.

As I type this, we're nearing the end of Daybreakers.  While it may be a film that most found lackluster, the ending soldier frenzy is doing more than satisfying the needs of my co-eds.  It's days like today that remind me why I do what I do.  If it wasn't for this blog and those I've met from the horror community, I wouldn't know where to find horror gems and I wouldn't be able to expose those around me to them.  We as horror fans are constantly ridiculed for liking the films that we like, and it is our duty as fans to spread quality horror films to those who are willing to watch them.  Horror is not dead, my friends.  Horror is alive, but it is our job to make sure it isn't left behind.

AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE TWI-HARDS.

It was a chilly evening in August when I found myself towel bound and compelled to throw out the trash accumulating in the back of my dorm room. Groggily, I stumbled down the hallway amidst the echoes of one night stands and those paying their respects to the porcelain God. I stood in front of the garbage chute and disposed of the empty Cheez-It boxes and spaghetti-o cans. Suddenly, it was silent. I stretched my body upward as I let out a yawn and out of my peripheral ...I saw it.  It stood calmly and almost appeared to let out an ominous glow from the end of the hallway.  I found myself caught in its grasp and was uncontrollably drawn to it.  "This...this can't be real.  Only out of my darkest nightmares have I been burdened with something this horrific." I thought to myself.  As the fog from my eyes cleared and my mind allowed me to focus on the terror at hand, I saw it.  

Your eyes are not deceiving you.  What stands before you is the door of a twenty two year old twi-hard.  I firmly believe that this is karma biting me in the ass for constantly ridiculing Twatlight fanatics.  My punishment for having a passion for intellectually destroying anyone obsessed with this shitstorm of a franchise is that for the rest of this year, I have a jarring omen to ruin my whole day.


I hate college.

BJ-C'S HORROR MOVIE RECOMMENDATION LIST FOR THE INEXPERIENCED COLLEGE STUDENT V.2

Ah, the collegiate environment.  As the stale odor of Keystone lingers over the air, the sound of bustling backpacks and shuffling feet can be heard above the chatter on campuses all across the country.  I spent most of my morning sitting amongst sleepy eyed co-eds and trying to figure out "something interesting about myself" to recite in front of my fellow peers rather than attempting to slit my wrists with my syllabus out of pure boredom.  Like most first days, my "interesting" fact is a shameless plug for this blog.  I've made plenty of pals and at the very least, intrigued most of my professors with Day of the Woman.  With a new year brings new opportunities for BJ-C to enlighten the horror challenged youth of Illinois.  With that being said, sharpen your pencils and be sure to pay attention.  This is the annual (and updated) list of horror films geared towards the inexperienced college kid.

CLASSICS

If there's anything I've learned from being in the collegiate environment, it's that anyone born after 1985 seems to have absolutely zero knowledge whatsoever on horror films made before their time. It's weird to comprehend this, but yes, there are people out there who haven't ever seen a horror film in black in white or without computer effects.  Like any History professor will teach you, it's important to know where you came from in order to figure out where you're going.

• Psycho (1960)
• Rosemary's Baby (1968)
• Carnival of Souls (1962)
• The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)
• Nosferatu (1922)
• Faust (1926)
• The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920) 
• FREAKS! (1932)
• Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
• The Birds (1963)

FOREIGN LANGUAGE

One of the more depressing facts of the horror genre is coming to terms with the fact that some of the greatest horror films in existence aren't in English.  Honestly, a good percent of College Americans are just too damn lazy to read freaking subtitles.  However, there are some films too spectacular to look past and deserve their recommendations.  It's very common to require a foreign language course as a graduation requirement, and for that reason alone, it's important for us to integrate foreign horror into our horror required viewings.

• Let The Right One In (2008)
• Audition (1999/2000)
• The Orphanage (2007)
• Inside (2007)
• [REC] (2007)
• Man Bites Dog (1992)
• Eyes Without A Face (1959)
• A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)
• Les Diaboliques (1954)
• The Devil's Backbone (2001)

GHOSTS

It doesn't matter how many horror movies I sit through, there's always something much more frightening about the thought of something actually happening.  Even if people claim not to believe in them, everyone at some point, has been afraid of ghosts.  Whether it be the illustrations from the Alvin Schwartz children's books or the tales told around a campfire, ghosts are a commonplace occurance for fear.  There's something about the possibility of what goes bump in the night to be someone...something else.  The mystery of what becomes of us after we leave this life is a seemingly universal fear for everyone, and ghost movies exploit that fear better than anything.

• Lady in White (1988)
• The Changeling (1980)
• Paranormal Activity (2009)
• The Shining (1980)
• Lake Mungo (2010)
• The Haunting (1963)
• The Orphanage (2007)
• Poltergeist (1982)
• Session 9 (2001)
• The Amityville Horror (1979)

ZOMBIES

Alright, let's face it.  There is absolutely nothing greater in the world of horror movie monsters, than zombies.  Zombies are the kings of the horror world and I don't see them losing their crown anytime soon.  (Suck it, Edward) Even people who hate horror movies understand the workings and the concept behind our undead favorites. The plus side of the zombie being such a popular creature is the plethora of zombie films being cranked out every year. The downside...they're not all good.  It's important to make sure that our inexperienced college brethren are picking up the RIGHT zombie films from Family Video, we wouldn't want them taking home a dud. NOTE: Some of these films are arguably not "zombie" films, but "virus" films.  Screw it, this isn't comic-con. They don't care. They just want hordes. 

• Romero's Night/Dawn/Day of the Dead (1968/1977/1985)
• Zombi 2 (1979)
• ...28 Days Later (2002)
• Dawn of the Dead (2004)
• Return of the Living Dead (1985)
• Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1972)
• Versus (2000)
• Deadgirl (2008)
• Pontypool (2009)
• Dellamorte, Dellamore (1994)

COMEDY

Believe it or not, there is a huge following for horror comedies.  The combination of laughing and screaming seem to entertain the masses.  While most horror comedies tend to be run by the zombie genre, there are plenty of other comedy horror flicks to tickle your fancy. Horror comedies seem to be like the zombie, in that just about everyone loves them. Horror comedies also come in handy when dealing with someone who isn't all that familiar with horror films or tends to scare easily.  It's a nice gateway into the realm we all love so dearly.

• An American Werewolf In London (1981)
• Fright Night (1985)
• Evil Dead II (1987)
• Shaun of the Dead (2004)
• Zombieland (2009)
• Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
• Night of the Creeps (1986)
• Young Frankenstein (1974)
• Slither (2006)
• The Burbs (1989)

SLASHER

Probably the most well-known of the horror genres, college kids seem to eat up slasher films.  With unique kills, sassy dialogue, and the ever entrancing final girls seem to drive straight up young adult alleys.  The sad thing is that most people my age recognize slashers as something concocted by Rob Zombie (or an absolutely dreadful remake company), and all of the great ones go unnoticed.

• Candyman (1992)
• Black Christmas (1974)
• Halloween (1978)
• Scream (1996)
• A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
• The House on Sorority Row (1983)
• Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2007)
• Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)
• American Psycho (2000)
• Friday The 13th (Screw it, just pick one)

SCI-FI

Everyone knows that college is filled with more than its fair share of nerds.  After the countless unnecessary GenEd's of the biologies and the computer sciences, it's nice to see the sci-fi work in a more entertaining fashion.  And what do nerds love more than science fiction? Horror of course! You add a little horror to the mix, and you've got something that appeals to more than just the protractor posse!  No offense of course, most of my best friends are nerds....Anyway, sci-fi and horror seem to go hand and hand.  It is by combining these two forces that we are given some of the best horror films in existence.

• Videodrome (1983)
• The Thing (1982)
• Alien (1979)
• Event Horizon (1997)
• Lifeforce(1985)
• They Live (1987)
• It Came From Outer Space (1953)
• The Blob (1988)
• Scanners (1981)
• The Fly (1986)

GORE

There really isn't much that needs to be said.  College kids are a simple breed with simple expectations and simple amusements.  There's no easier way to amuse the sick and twisted little minds of the future's best and brightest than to smother the screen in blood and guts.  It seems that college kids have all been struck by the Saw & Hostel bugs but haven't really seen anything gorier than that.  There are some films like Cannibal Holocaust that I'd never recommend to a college crowd, but that isn't to say there aren't gory gems that need to be seen by the masses!

• Re-Animator (1985)
• Dead Alive (1994)
• House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
• The Beyond (1981)
• City of the Living Dead (1980)
• Tokyo Gore Police (2008)
• Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
• Ichi The Killer (2001)
• The Beyond (1981)
• Tenebre (1982)

 CLASS IS DISMISSED!