I DONT WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE

AMERICAN HORROR STORY'S TATE LANGDON: THE REPLACEMENT FOR EDWARD CULLEN?

This is my first and final warning. This article will contain mild spoilers about the show American Horror Story and it's intriguing character "Tate". I will do my very best not to spoil plot lines in the show, but I will be spoiling some of the despicable things that his character has committed over the course of this show. So please. If you don't want to know, don't continue reading this article. ~BJ-C

Last night wrapped up the first season of Ryan Murphy's newest addiction worthy show, American Horror Story.  A few articles ago, I spoke very highly of the new series and marked it as the show that may have saved horror themed television series.  The Golden Globe nominated series has been a thrill ride every week and deserves all of the praise it has been receiving.  The character that seems to have taken the world by storm, however, is Evan Peters' portrayal of every teenager's heartthrob ghost, Tate.  Now, I'll be honest with you when I say I was totally a Tate fan-girl at the beginning.  Evan Peters is a total babe and his character was so evil and yet remarkably charming.  He has the surfer hair with the "boy next door" looks encompassed by a sense of danger.  Although a total bad ass, he's extremely romantic and seems to know exactly what to say at all the right moments.  What girl under the age of 25 wouldn't be cast under his spell? 

 The relationship between Tate and living girl, Violet became the newest fictional couple to be "shipped" all over the internet and was given the name "Violate".  If you just type "violate" or "tate langdon" on the tumblr search bar, you'll be bombarded with hundreds of thousands of images of the two that have been created by fans of the show.  Okay, so he had a couple of selfless acts, he got her a flower, told her he loved her, and protected her a bit.  That's really endearing and I will not take that away from him.  He really did genuinely care about the girl and it was actually sort of nice to see a character trying so hard to make someone else happy. But...

 

This is a huge but here, let's be honest when I say this...he's a fucking psychopath.  To quote the character directly "In 1994 I set my mom's boyfriend on fire and then I shot fifteen kids at Westfield High. I murdered the gay couple who lived here before you and I raped your wife".  Wow.  Let's add that up to the fact he's a compulsive liar, manipulative, let the demon in the basement tear apart a girl's face, almost killed a kid who had been there for one night because Violet made eyes at him, and talks shit to his mother?  Wow.  This is marriage material right here.  Yet all it takes is for him to let the water works flow and to stammer out an "I love you" and girls everywhere are dropping their panties. 

Are you fucking kidding me?  This kid is a psychotic nut job and yet he just needs to pout his lips and suddenly all is forgiven.  I have been doing a bit of trolling on the fandom message boards just to find out what the hell these girls are thinking, and the results are quite horrifying.  "He’s twisted, he’s an imbecile for what he has done. But are we perfect? You are hiding yourself behind a grey face [this means posted anonymously]. I can easily say that you are a coward. I can say that I had my ”fucked up” boyfriends. And I haven’t said that “if treats me ok I’ll love him” No. I said that I love his way of loving Violet. There is difference."  But are we perfect?! I'm sorry. I'm not perfect in the slightest but I'm also not running around raping my girlfriend's mother or shooting up the school.  You can love someone as much as you want, but if you're a bad person...you're a bad person. No amount of compassion you show towards another person will ever change that.  Oh! Oh! But he loves her sooo much and he protects her! Yeah, so does the police department, but I'm not writing fanfics about that, now am I?

"I think you can tell Tate has changed though, because he asks Gabe not to look at him when he was about to kill him, and he wasn’t killing him to hurt anyone, he was doing it to make Violet happy. Which is sick and twisted, but so adorable and cute. Idk man, I just hope that Violet in the next series gets to see the difference in Tate, and that her Dad tells her that he accepts what he has done." Wait, what?  Does this girl realize that she's essentially saying that she would accept people like The Columbine Shooters, or The men who killed Matthew Shepard or I don't know, PEOPLE WHO RAPE THEIR GIRLFRIEND'S MOMS because "they've changed?" This is just demented. Sick. And. Demented.

I blame Edward Cullen for this.  That god damn franchise made it okay for girls to "fall in love" with complete lunatics and society made it cool for women to worship the grounds of men who deserve prison time.  At least Violet had the mind to leave his crazy ass, even in the afterlife.  

/endrant.

THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN SEE THE NEWEST TWILIGHT MOVIE

In a little less than an hour, twi-hards across the world will be shoveling their sparkly vampire loving bodies into movie theatres to sit through the latest installment of The Twatlight Saga.  Now, I am obviously not going to be one of those individuals.  Instead, I find myself writing a paper for class and allowing myself to be distracted by tumblr and wonderful conversation with Zach Shildwachter formally of Z For Zombies and currently a contributor to The Blood Sprayer and brains behind Awkward Creations.  Since Zach and I are both self proclaimed rock stars and far too cool for Twatlight, we compiled a list of things we would much rather do than sit through that crap. 

JUMP IN FRONT OF A TRAIN

STEP IN FRONT OF A BUS

PUKE MY GUTS OUT

STAB MY EYES OUT

EAT A LIVE ANIMAL

 

HANG MYSELF

 BLEND A BABY

WATCH NASCAR

LAY ON A PUBLIC BATHROOM FLOOR

KISS AN OLD WOMAN

HAVE MY SKIN RIPPED OFF

BE EATEN ALIVE

SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

BE ATTACKED BY CATS

POUR ACID IN MY EYES

See, there you have it, a list of things that would totally be better than shelling out the money to see if a constipated teenager decides to go for necrophilia or inter-species erotica.  I just saved you nine bucks.

Think you're cool? Try to guess all of the films featured above. Show off your horror gusto and leave your guesses in the comments section.

THE HOUR OF TWATLIGHT IS UPON US

AND GOD SAID, LET THERE BE TWI-HARDS.

It was a chilly evening in August when I found myself towel bound and compelled to throw out the trash accumulating in the back of my dorm room. Groggily, I stumbled down the hallway amidst the echoes of one night stands and those paying their respects to the porcelain God. I stood in front of the garbage chute and disposed of the empty Cheez-It boxes and spaghetti-o cans. Suddenly, it was silent. I stretched my body upward as I let out a yawn and out of my peripheral ...I saw it.  It stood calmly and almost appeared to let out an ominous glow from the end of the hallway.  I found myself caught in its grasp and was uncontrollably drawn to it.  "This...this can't be real.  Only out of my darkest nightmares have I been burdened with something this horrific." I thought to myself.  As the fog from my eyes cleared and my mind allowed me to focus on the terror at hand, I saw it.  

Your eyes are not deceiving you.  What stands before you is the door of a twenty two year old twi-hard.  I firmly believe that this is karma biting me in the ass for constantly ridiculing Twatlight fanatics.  My punishment for having a passion for intellectually destroying anyone obsessed with this shitstorm of a franchise is that for the rest of this year, I have a jarring omen to ruin my whole day.


I hate college.

NEAR DARK REMAKE CANCELLED...FOR BEING TOO SIMILAR TO TWILIGHT?!

Alright Edward, it's time to nut up or shut up.

I'm a few years late to the party on this one (what else is new?) but my blind fury cannot be contained when it comes to this discussion.  After the success of Twatlight, Platinum Dunes (the company responsible for nearly every horrible horror remake) thought it would be a great idea to ride the wave and remake Kathryn Bigelow's slice of perfection, Near Dark.  First of all, Near Dark is quite possibly one of the most bad ass vampire films of all time, OF ALL TIME, so remaking it would be a huge slap in the face the only woman to score an Oscar for Best Director. Not to mention, it was made LONG before Stephenie Meyer ever set on her crusade to destroy the vampire mythos and push back feminism, so if anything, TWATLIGHT is too much like Near Dark.  For fear of sounding redundant, let's not even talk about the whole 'remake' nonsense.  The horror genre is obsessed with remakes blah blah blah, we get it.  The matter it hand is that the reason they're pulling the plug on the remake isn't because someone finally wised up and thought "Hmm...this movie is pretty fantastic, let's not get our grubby paws in it and leave it as it" but rather "Hmm...this is liek totes mcgotes like Twilight and like, Bella and Edward are the true vampire/human love story and liek, people totally won't want to see this".  Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, are you serious?  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

Basically, he's the horror equivalent to Michael Bay

What I'm posting is a direct quote from producer Brad Fuller, and I janked it off of THIS website.  "I think that Twilight was the same type of thing.  Were going for although ‘Near Dark’ was a much darker, sexier, rated R version of that. But I'm concerned that, conceptually, that ‘Near Dark’ and Twilight are too similar in terms of a vampire movie.  For now, that movie is on hold...with the success of that film [Twilight], it would not measure up. It’s not the right time to make that".  What mighty words coming from the man who helped bring travesties like the The Unborn, The Hitcher, and let us not forget the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th remakes.  As far as I'm concerned, this man has absolutely no leg to stand on when it comes to the success of a remake.  Then again, this bastard measures success by decimals and dollars rather than providing art that is not only aesthetically pleasing to the fans, but also retains the heart of the original work.  Lest us not forget that Twatlight and Near Dark are two entirely different entities. The teen vampire love story follows a girl who abandons everything about her life in order to be with a vampire who stalks her at night and who's family is super nice to her unless she bleeds all the while still going to school, being a bratty teenager to her loving father, and cheating on him with a shape-shifting, homoerotic, Native American wolf-man.  Near Dark is a vampire/western about a guy who falls in love with a girl who turns out to be from a vampire family that he only discovers after another family member previously attacked him and turned him into a vampire that travels the highways in stolen cars from people they brutally massacre and who randomly breaks into places and kills everyone witness in order to feed.  I'm sorry, but what?!  The only thing they have in common is that someone outside the vampire clan falls in love with someone in a vampire clan.  As far as Twatlight is concerned, I'm using the word "love" very lightly. 


Now, this whole hoopla went down in 2008 and Platinum Dunes has put out an asinine amount of terrible films since then.  I just don't understand what is going through the minds of people like Brad Fuller anymore.  It makes me sad all day.  At least we can rest easy knowing that if Twatlight did anything right...it was saving the Near Dark remake.