THE PLIGHT OF PLATINUM: THE IMPORTANCE OF BLONDE WOMEN IN CLASSIC HORROR

"Blondes make the best victims. They're like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints." 

— Alfred Hitchcock

To be a person of virtue, one must possess the characteristics of being morally just and kind-hearted.  It is rather easy to determine whether or not a person is virtuous based on interactions with them, but to be able to convey cinematically that a person is of virtue, it unfortunately must be expressed through the way an actor or actress looks.  In the world of the early horror films, filmmakers did not have the luxury of time to develop the personalities and backstories of secondary characters.  Filmmakers were to generate a tale of a monster to scare the masses, and quite honestly, couldn't be bothered finding time to explain why the damsel in distress was worth anything other than eye candy and something for a monster to desire. The color white has often been associated with purity with everything from the garments warned by angels or the virginal appearance of a wedding gown, but in the years of early horror films, female characters were almost always blonde.  Now, before I continue on any further, I need to address an issue that is bound to flood the comment section.  Unfortunately, classic horror films did not feature many characters of minority descent, and especially did not feature them in leading roles.  That being said, please note that this article is merely a dissection of the importance of the portrayal of blonde women in classic horror films.  This isn't to say that the blondes were better actors or options, but merely artistic choices that have developed stigmas in films that are present even today.

Mary Philbin in The Man Who Laughs played the angelic and blind darling, Dea, the beauty in this "beauty and the beast-esque" horror tale.  While audiences remembered her as a brunette Christine Daae in The Phantom of the Opera it was her role in TMWL that she is most remembered for.  With porcelain skin and tresses that almost illuminated her appearance, Dea was the epitome of a pure, virtuous character.  Without even speaking a single line, audiences knew that Dea was a sweet, loving, innocent, and admirable woman.  The contrast of her snow-like features to the very dark shadows of Gwynplaine, the man with the forever smile was incredibly drastic, and audiences ate her up.  It was this moment that classic horror fell in love with blondes, and created a trend that would follow for decades to come.

Only three years later would horror again return with an etherial female lead.  Helen Chandler (a natural blonde) played Mina, the romantic victim interest of the monster who spawned a million movies, Dracula.  Mina was a character portrayed to be ultimately good, but also the ideal victim to Count Dracula.  The man had a handful of wives but there was something about Ms. Mina Harker he found himself drawn to.  Her blonde hair aided in letting audiences know not only that she was of pure regard, but that she was also the woman we were to pay attention to.  While Dracula was dressed in dark colors and wore darker makeup than most of the female actresses, Mina Harker was dressed in the color of moonlight to compliment the blonde hair adorning her head.  Heather Chandler was a very well known stage and film actress at this point, but choosing her as the lead was no accident. Many may argue the fact Chandler was a blonde is merely coincidental, but Dracula was the Universal monster movie that started the horror movie obsession and set the bar for the abundance of horror films created in the wake of its success. While The Hunchback of Notre Dame is cited as the first Universal monster film, it was Dracula that really got the ball rolling.

It has been said that once something happens three times, it is no longer coincidence, it's preference.  Witness Mae Clarke as the bride in Frankenstein.  Although she changed her hair color and styles frequently over the years, her decision to go blonde in 1925 inspired Anita Loos to create a character named Lorelei Lee for her novel Gentleman Prefer Blondes. Mae Clarke donned a white wedding gown and very light clothing styles for a majority of the film, but it is the scene in which Frankenstein's monster invades her room in preparation for her wedding that really set the blonde damsel into motion.  The extreme contrast of the elegant, white, blonde, woman stranded alone with the very dark, gloomy, brunette monster immediately allowed audiences to fear for her survival.  This isn't solely based on the fact she was trapped with a monster, but her blonde and light attributes gave the impression that she was not only an at-risk civilian, but also that she was innocent and very vulnerable.  

Quickly after Frankenstein, Boris Karloff donned monster makeup again as The Mummy.  Now, this is where the female lead throws a wrench into the formula.  The lead actress was Zita Johann, a brunette.  However, The Mummy is much like The Hunchback of Notre Dame in which the setting is to be an "exotic" land.  The 1920's-1930's was a time in which American audiences had a strong fear and sense of skepticism for those "foreign" to their country.  The All-American look was quickly becoming blonde haired, blue eyed women, and anything outside of this standard was viewed as different and therefore, fearful.  Another important aspect to remember is that unlike Count Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, and Gwynplaine: The Man Who Laughs- the Mummy was wrapped in very light garments.  The female lead needs to contrast to this and the only real option was to have a brunette actress.  Her hair color was used not to showcase her innocence or purity, but rather her exoticism and resemblance to an egyptian princess.  The same could be said to the leading lady of The Creature From The Black Lagoon.  Kay Lawrence was beautiful, yes, but she was in no way a damsel character. She breaks the mold, because her character doesn't fit the bill of the previous female leads in classic horror films.  Not only that, but the film was taking place in the Amazon, an exotic location.  (If we really must split hairs, the woman donned a white bathing suit for the most iconic scenes).

Much like their male counterparts, the female monster was nearly ALWAYS a dark featured, raven-haired beauty.  The Bride of Frankenstein, Dracula's Daughter, and Vampira emerged as horrifying female monsters armed with terrifying qualities and sex appeal that could turn any man into a puddle of what he once was.  Sex appeal was always an important aspect of horror, but unlike the blonde counterparts that were generated as virgins sprinkled with angel dust, the brunette monster was a lustful demoness with the ability to completely take down any man with a bat of an eyelash and a swivel of a hip.  Blondes definitely possessed sex appeal, but that's all they had.  There was no fear factor, just a pretty face to sympathize with.

It would appear that during the early days, the blonde female lead was the go-to for the damsel in distress archetype.  One of the most important factors in this reasoning is due solely on lack of color in films.  When you're dealing with literally fifty shades of gray, filmmakers didn't have much to choose from in terms of creating contrast.  Blondes, they just had to be it.  It wasn't until Alfred Hitchcock emerged as the filmmaking casanova he was with his infamous Icy Blondes, that toe-headed ladies were seen as anything more than the romantic and innocent survival darlings.  Hitchcock didn't follow any of the formulaic horror standards and completely changed the look of the genre.  Blondes were no longer the ideal candidate for the love interest, they were now the easiest targets for destruction.  Fast forward out of the days of black and white films and we are presented with a new type of blonde. The dumb blonde/slut/bitch character.  Damsels in distress were often seen as weak characters, and their only value to society was their beautiful outer appearances.  As the audience's views of women and the way female characters were written evolved, so did the blonde archetype.  The modern blonde woman only good for her looks now became sexually promiscuous, and the damsel unable to defend herself became a ditz.  Being instilled in the early days of film as the preferred look, blondes also developed into self-righteous bitches, generating the "evil blondes".

Even though they were all being massacred, blondes were still the preferred look.  Brunettes had emerged as the virginal final girls, surviving the killer with their pure hearts.  Blondes were still idolized and desired and no longer living in the sexually repressed times of the 1920's and 1930's, blondes were sexually lusted for and were the ones having sex.  Obviously brunettes were having sex too, but final girls instilled the idea that blondes were better than brunettes because they could get laid...but they were also going to be the first to die.  Obviously there are always exceptions to the rule, but this analysis is focusing on the status quo.  As the blonde female character changed, this in turn, forced the brunette to turn as well.  They've seemed to switch places, although the switching is sourced within their original portrayals of classic horror.  Female roles have continued to adapt and evolve and thanks to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yes, even blondes can be badass monster killers.  The blonde haired women of classic horror have helped to determine the way that blondes are portrayed in films today, and arguably, the way they are continually perceived in society.  And red heads?  Well, they're an enigma all their own and considering they don't have souls...I'm not even going to touch on those weirdos :)

YOU LIKE HORROR? BUT...YOU...YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A HORROR FREAK.

During my Holliston fest last night (see previous post) the final episode definitely struck a hell of a heart string with me.  Over the past three years, I've been criticized for writing a horror blog as a woman, as someone under the age of twenty five, and most recently...for not "looking" the part.  Adam Green's character on Holliston is hopelessly in love with a very anti-typical horror gal complete with blonde hair, cutoff jean skirts, and perfectly manicured everything.  Adam and Joe pick on her for "not ever having bought anything from Hot Topic" and she makes a comment on "missing the memo on wearing black" before completely transforming her appearance to fit in with the rest of the convention.  As funny as it was, it would be far funnier if this wasn't the constant annoyance "girls like me" deal with every fucking day.  While Adam Green and plenty other celebs featured on the show pick on the things they deal with as celebrities (having iMDB pull things offline, being harassed by uberfans, etc) with a sense of a light hearted nature, they're also celebrities with the ability to fulfill their dreams and not struggling twenty one year olds fighting hordes of twi-hards and sexist horror trolls. They've got people to do that for them.  Not only that, but I'm pretty sure having a fan pester them about their new movie isn't as insulting as "until you have tattoos, you're worthless to your genre". I'm not dismissing their trials of the shit they put up with as "lesser", it's just...I can't exactly explain it. The image above is an actual screen cap from an anonymous comment I received on one of my Cabin In The Woods articles.  I hate to admit it, but this comment is one of the more tame that I've received over the years. I gotta admit, it's easier to take an insult than graphic sexual fantasy requests for video blogs from strangers.

No tattoos or colored hair? Who do you think you are?!

Anyway, I posted the comment to the Day of the Woman facebook page to get some feedback from all of you on whether or not a horror "look" is required to take someone seriously and I was pleasantly confirmed that you all aren't judgmental and ignorant (not that I ever thought you were). However, while YOU may be smart enough to understand that your exterior doesn't define your interior, there is an overwhelming amount of people that haven't been able to break that barrier. When I first started writing Day of the Woman, I'll be completely honest when I admit I garnered a good amount of my "following" because the idea of a beauty queen writing about horror movies was interesting or different or something.  I only know this because the comments I've received in comparison from 2009 to 2012 have changed drastically.  I sometimes pull the "I'm not a stereotype" card every once in a while, but when I first started...it was almost a shtick people used to talk about me with.  As much as I enjoyed making friends with other horror bloggers and readers, I was always wondering if they read me because of my content or because I was some novelty item.  Even deeper than that...why was I being marketed this way? I've discussed previously on the topic of having tattoos, but it seems that this judgement stems further than the tattoo parlor.  (PS; I am wearing a strapless top and if any of you say I get harassing comments " because I post pictures like that" you're a slut shaming son of a bitch and you can leave my blog right now because again, it's my blog and I can do whatever I want and a human is entitled to dress however they want without it constituting"asking for it") I just want to know, why did everyone make it such a big deal that I didn't fit in the horror "mold" if it "doesn't matter" what a horror fan looks like? Why is everyone commenting "it's your brain that counts" when people are saying "read this girl she's beautiful AND smart"? Why should it matter if I'm a baton twirling beauty queen? It shouldn't, and it doesn't. It doesn't fucking matter because you are who you are and that's all who you are. 

That being said, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've felt an awful lot of pressure to change my appearance to appeal to the horror crew.  The way it was presented to me was honestly exactly what I've been trying to fight against.  I was always wanting to put a hoop in my nose instead of a stud and do you know who pushed me to the hoop side? You all did. When I wasn't sure whether or not I could take the plunge for a darker shade of lipstick, it was my horror comrades that really told me to go for it while my pageant friends told me I'd look "goth".  As a woman, I constantly have to fight twice as hard to be taken seriously when writing about a genre that is arguably (stereotypically) male dominated. To top that, I'm also twenty one years old and thanks to my generation's obsession with Twilight, I also now have to fight harder to earn my street cred and prove my chops.  EVEN FURTHER, I don't have Elvira tattoos or an edgy haircut or a wardrobe consisting of corsets and striped tights. I just don't.  That isn't to say that I don't adore that "look" it's just not my personal style.  It does appear that whenever I do a video blog where I appear "darker" or "spookier" it garners far more attention and hits than my typical pajama clad rants.  Some may argue it's the subject matter...but I gotta tell you, hits don't lie. 

Friend and fellow female in horror Krystal Fancey Beck easily gave the most provocative of opinions on the topic, and she's so right it's scary.  "Here's the thing: you're kind of fucked either way. I HAVE the look- y'know, the one that supposedly earns you Horror Points or whatever- and  it's already been suggested that us SpookyOnTheOutside folks are "trying too hard", wearing a uniform, or maybe even overcompensating for not possessing the right amount of horror knowledge. You know what? I wear/decorate myself with the things that make me happy and make me feel good about myself. Yes, it gets me some attention. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good. And while way too many people assume at least part of the reason I prefer to adorn myself in such a manner is because my poor, fragile self esteem craves the attention... dude, I have a good case of social anxiety. Attention's one of the last things I want! But I've weighed both options and feeling content and, ultimately, true to myself trumps anything else. I'm sick to death of people trying to feel better about themselves by making other people feel shitty. I'm sick of standards. I actually saw someone make a list of criteria that you have to have in order to call yourself a horror fan by their vastly superior standards. You know what *I* think makes you a 'true' horror fan? Liking horror movies. I don't care what you look like, if you've never seen ____, or if you don't like ____. I don't care who or even really *what* you know. If you've this, this, and this in the horror community or if you just simply... watch horror movies. I DON'T CARE. If you like horror and are nice to me, we're cool- let's talk. Ultimately, stay to to yourself, and do what genuinely makes you happy, without concern that you're living up to anyone else's ridiculous standards." Yep. That about covers it. She's absolutely on par. We as female horror fans are damned if you do, damned if you don't, and that's the god's honest truth.  Hell, even when a "SpookyOnTheOutside" type of girl was confronted at the convention on Holliston...she was called a poser at the end because her day job was working at Express.  The sad fact of it all, is that this is something far deeper than just convention etiquette. To be honest, women in general are judged based upon their appearances, and there's this obscene concept that women are somehow new to the idea of being fans of genre entertainment. I don't know why people think this is a new thing, but it's a weird epidemic I've experienced first hand far too often.  It's like we cause annoyance just by being in the room because we're assumed to either be posers tagging along and trying to impress someone or we're some social inept mouth breathers jonesing for an autograph.

It's as if women are constantly torn between choosing a side in the debate of "pretty vs. intelligent" and it's total bullshit. I would like to bat my eyelashes and poke my dimple to say "oh, we're all a giant happy horror family who accepts all forms" but that's a bold faced lie.  Do I surround myself with non-judgemental people who are the cat's meow? Obviously, I choose not to surround myself with douchebags...but it seems that every article I write is under microscopic scrutiny and even a misplaced comma makes me a "stupid girl who knows nothing about horror".

Kristy Jett and Zach Shildwachter: Two of the biggest horror nerds I know at the Amityville house looking very "non-horror"

This isn't only a feminine issue either.  I think women are more specific in that we have to fit into either the "overly geeky super-fan" or the "gothic sex kitten" roles to find acceptance in convention land...but men experience this just as much. I'll be the first to admit that I could count on one hand the amount of men that go to a convention in something other than a black t-shirt (not including celebs or cosplayers).  As a woman, I don't think I'm really qualified to speak much more on the topic, but maybe someone with a penis will tackle this issue one of these days.  Honestly though, this nonsense is absurd. We should be supporting each other and taking care of one another. We're already the weird kids in class for worshipping murderers, torturers, and monsters...the last thing we want to do is generate animosity towards each other.  So I have a preposition for you all.  BE WHO YOU ARE. If that means wearing black all the time, rock it out. If that means wearing frilly white lace and rainbow socks, work that shit, but for the love of Cthulhu...don't change who you are because you have to "fit in".  We love you for who you are, as you are. 

WHEN EARNING YOUR RED WINGS REQUIRES A SWIFFER AND EXTENSIVE THERAPY: A REVIEW OF J. DOUGLAS SMITH'S THE PERIOD

As a functioning member of the female species I must take this time to admit that like my fellow XX chromosome sisters, I too suffer from the curse, the proof of Eve's weakness, the period.  I know, I know, I still cringe at the thought of my third grade health class when a wrinkly nurse with halitosis broke out a suitcase full of maxi pads and graphic pop up books about women bleeding for seven days without dying.  There's no way around it, menstrual cycles may be embraced by radical feminists as a beautiful act of our prowess as birthgivers and a sign of our transition into womanhood...but we know that's all a load of shit. Periods are gross. They're icky, they're inconvenient, they make you irritable, the cause you to retain water, they instill mood swings that would make All About Eve look like a romantic comedy, and cause debilitating stomach contractions that make ripping a uterus out with your bare hands sound like a pleasure cruise. Periods. Frackin'. Suck. This past weekend, my two best friends joined with my partner in crime, Zach Shildwachter, and myself endured 105 minutes of a film that I will pray to the holy lords of Tampax to erase from my memory.  J. Douglas Smith's feature film The Period is about a girl named Sharrie Heiman (yes, you read that correctly) who finds herself afflicted with an intense visit from her Aunt Flo. The film surrounds her struggle to plug it up with her pissy Georgia O'Keefe art inspired girlfriend Clitoria (I can't make this shit up), the obsessions of a perverted gynecologist, and other horrifying issues full of menstrual mayhem.  This film is a clustercuss of terrible camera work, horrendous acting, unintentionally brilliant puns, atmosphere resembling the love child between an acid trip & The Tim & Eric Awesome Show, editing that appears to have been completed by blind children with safety scissors, music that even Justin Beiber dubstep aficionados would cringe at, and more fake blood than anything Peter Jackson ever touched.  I wish I was exaggerating about all of this, but I'm not. I'm really, really not.

I am struggling on where to even begin with this review, so bear with me.  It opens with a rather gratuitously graphic and quite possibly seizure inducing female masturbation scene, which completely set the tone for the rest of the film. I mean, I've seen softer uses of vaginas in porn flicks on fuzzy cable channels than the borderline exploitation of muff shots in this film. At one point, there's a close up of not only what a hairy butthole looks like when releasing a fart, but also the opening of vaginal lips when shooting out an egg.  Again, I can't make this shit up.  There's horrible continuity issues like referencing spilled Tang when the bottle CLEARLY says Sunny D, and the plot is only understandable for about 35 minutes of the entire film.  The keep having cut scenes to what would appear to be a stereotypical tampon commercial (girl running in nature, comments like "be a goddess") but the graphics were made with MS paint or Microsoft WordArt at best.  There's a lot of unnecessary pushes for humor (Sharrie spraying period blood from her vagina on art students as she acts as a nude model, the pink extension underarms of Clitoria...or the fact her freaking name is Clitoria), and misuses of green screens that would make Megaladon look like Jurassic Park.

There's a catch, though.  I had a hell of a time watching this movie.  I really, really did.  I even laughed to the point of tears at the insanity of what I was sitting through.  For instance, plagued by the blood terrorizing her existence, Sharrie begins to hallucinate a giant, stomping, naked lower torso destroying a city with Godzilla style screams erupting from her ham wallet causing a bystander (a cameo from the director) to exclaim 'VAGJIRA!!!" A lovely nod in comparison to Clitoria's insult of "Clitty Kong" from previously in the film.  The dialogue seems to be nothing more than vagina and blood jokes strung together by a few complaints about doing extra laundry, the lack of Clitoria being able to munch on a fur burger, or getting blood on the floor...and I loved it.  It was truly insane, but this film completely took the Maude Lebowski style of art and ran with it.

It pains me to admit a film as horrendous as this could be a feminist horror film...but it totally is.  The film exploits the fact that women (and especially the female genitalia) are either feared, discarded, or worshiped simply because of something as ridiculous as a natural body cycle.  It isn't until towards the end of the film when it takes a short left out of the cyber/raver/punk/porn realm and into the poor man's Cannibal Holocaust that the true "moral" of the film is revealed.  It's almost depressing to think that it took a film about a never ending waterfall of poonani goo for someone to finally tackle the depressing truth of how menstrual cycles are handled by our society, but I doubt any one else was really up for the challenge.  I commend all of those involved for being able to sign a paper attaching their name to this vaginal voyage and you know something...I'll actually recommend it. I cannot agree that I'll have had the same opinion about this film had there been less alcohol involved, but that's neither here nor there ;)

UTTERLY ALONE: THE ARTISTIC PROWESS OF MEGAN LARA

Megan Lara is an incredibly talented artist who has proven herself time and time again when it comes to subtle beauty in genre reference work. Megan is a 23 year-old illustrator with a ridiculous fixation on pop culture. You can find her work at places like Quantum Mechanix, ThinkGeek, Threadless, Level Up Studios, Fangamer, Mighty Fine, Teefury and the Yetee. Luckily, the fine folks over at Tee Fury have been kind to her, and have been helping to bring to life her creations.  Today and today only, this gorgeous rendition of Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice can be yours for only ten bucks.  Get on it, kids!

If you're like me and you've fallen completely in love with her work and want to see more of it, check out her personal website for all things Megan Lara.  She's got some incredible talent with art inspired by Princess Peach, Community, Firefly, Portal, Zelda, Zombies, and everything else to tickle your nerdy little fancy.  Not only is the Utterly Alone shirt available today, but she's also got a hell of a contest going on.

 

 How to enter:

1. Like "Megan Lara: Art & Illustration" on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/mLARAart
2. Share the post about the "Utterly Alone" design
3. On the same post, make comment with a link to a photo of you (or a friend)

Megan will randomly select people to draw from this post, and she will draw their portraits throughout the day!

**One person per photo, please choose larger photos that focus mostly on the face**
**Only photos linked on the "Utterly Alone" post will be considered** -

Love the Megan Lara, LOOOOOVE HER.

THE NEW LADIES OF THE EVIL DEAD: JANE LEVY, ELIZABETH BLACKMORE, & JESSICA LUCAS

At the beginning of the year, it was announced that Phil Collins' daughter Lily, was going to replace the man-chin wonder as the leading character of the newest installment of Sam Raimi's The Evil Dead series.  Shame on me for being late to the party, but it seems that seems that big brows has been replaced by an actress I'm far more familiar with, and one I believe fits the world of the Necronomicon much better than Lily Collins ever could.  Jane Levy, the sharp-tongued red head of Suburgatory and the new hit Shameless, is locked in as playing the heroine.  Of course fans are still in outrage that Bruce Campbell won't be reprising his role as Ash, but from what he's been saying...I think the fans have plenty to look forward to. 

What makes me most excited about the recasting is not only is Levy easily the best part of Suburgatory outside waiting for Jeremy Sisto's character to say "Yeah. I can't find my Cranberries CD. I gotta go to the quad before anyone snags it," but she also gives a rats ass about the film she's acting in.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I highly despise actresses that are cast in horror films that hate the genre.  We've gotta be real here when we admit that 99.9% of what horror casting directors look for is a hot body. Hell, face comes second on that list these days and acting chops easily comes third.  Not only does Jane Levy understand the importance of this film to genre fans, but she actually WANTS to be a part of it. She was quoted in saying,  "I'm so excited…  I'm a big fan of the original.  To me it's the scariest movie, ever.  But this one is really different.  They've changed it a lot, but it's still a pretty gory movie.  My mom probably can't see it.  As for the tone, I think the humor in the first one came from the special effects of the time.  I don't know that they meant it to be funny...  this one is not funny.  It's definitely dark." I'm not complaining. I'm glad to finally see an actress in a horror film that actually understands our weird culture. Somewhat.

Outside of Levy's announcement, it seems that this film is going to be mega female centric. According to THR, rounding out The Evil Dead cast for this are Jessica Lucas known for her roles on Melrose Place & Cloverfield and newcomer Elizabeth Blackmore known for Legend of the Seeker. Jessica Lucas is in talks for the role of Mia’s best friend, Olivia, while Elizabeth Blackmore has landed the role of Natalie, fiancée of David, Mia’s brother, to be played by Shiloh Fernandez of Red Riding Hood fame.  All in all, I'm rather pleased with the casting decisions.  I haven't seen much work from Lucas and Blackmore, but the casting of Levy has given me much to look forward to.  It won't be the same without Ash, but then again, I think that's the point. The film is set to begin shooting soon in New Zealand with a projected release date in April of 2013.  

DAY OF THE WOMAN PRESENTS: THE SEXIEST ZOMBIE WOMEN

It was nearly two and a half years ago when Day of the Woman unveiled the most visited list on this blog.  Now that years have gone by, there has been an outbreak (no pun intended) of zombie films, books, genre obsessions, and adaptations.  When we think of a zombie, the easiest image is that of a rotting male corpse with a jaw missing and skin melting off of the bones.  Female zombies, are of a breed entirely their own.  For some reason or another, regardless of the decrepit stage, female zombies have always managed to withhold even the slightest bit of sex appeal.  Leave it to a woman to find a way to manage to make a brain hungry savage somewhat attractive.  While the first list was simply the "top zombie women", this list is of a bit of a different caliber.  While little Karen Cooper may have been the top female zombie, calling a child "sexy" is just a little too gross.  These women are the zombies that manage to keep your blood flowing even while they're stumbling after you.  These are the women that can instill both a nightmare, and a gloriously realistic fantasy.  Ladies and Germs, I now submit for your approval, the sexiest zombie women in horror.

BLONDE ZOMBIE from DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978)

The infamous blonde ghoul terrorizing the mall in George A. Romero's masterpiece Dawn of the Dead was played by Jeannie Jefferies.  Not only is she credited as being the girl who attacked Roger, but she was also one of Savini's make-up girls on set.  Not too shabby as far as zombie credentials go, eh?

#9 from LAND OF THE DEAD

Albeit the jaw falling completely off of her face, Jennifer Baxter as #9 in Land of the Dead is pretty cute.  Maybe it's her tattered "beach wave" hair, or her always curious expression, or the tomboy feel you get when she's running around with the baseball bat...but she's so cute.  I mean, I guess you'd have to be in order to hang out with the likes of Big Daddy.  I will say this, google her without the zombie makeup.  Goodness Gracious, she's a total babe.

THE WOMEN from THE ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN

The U.K. really caused quite the stir in the loins of horror geeks everywhere with this little indie film.  Let's just say that gore wasn't the only thing gratuitous about this film.  There are so many boobs in this film you'd think you were watching HBO after hours.  The film itself is trying ridiculously too hard to impress, but this list isn't about quality films...it's about sexy zombie women.  I commend this film not only for having half naked women covered in blood, but for also having CURVY women.  Most film producers wouldn't dare have someone naked that isn't a size two, so I commend the filmmakers for showing that zombie or not, curvy women have got it going on.

NAKED ZOMBIE from NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

Although we never see much of her other than from behind, this woman managed to take a walk on role and turn it into one of the most iconic images from the granddaddy of all things zombie.  This famous booty has plastered itself on VHS and DVD covers, collage posters, and even tattoos of the most diehard fans.  Eat your heart out, Kim Kardashian.

MONA HARRISON from ZOMBIES OF MORA TAU

Before Romero completely changed the zombie film as we know it, the film industry was cranking out zombie films left and right.  Wearing quite possibly the greatest push-up bra in the history of film, the fifty foot woman herself, Allison Hayes, was one of the most classically beautiful zombies to ever grace the screen.  So she isn't falling apart at the seams and isn't trying to eat anyone, so what? She's still a zombie.  A sexy, sexy zombie. 

 

TAMMY from FIDO

Thanks to the quick acting Zom-Com, Tammy is quite possibly the most composed of all of the zombies in the film Fido.  One of the few that sports an outfit that doesn't resemble that of a garbage man, Tammy is kept less as a servant, and more as a companion.   What she is accompanying is up for debate.  Tammy is played by the angelic Sonja Bennett.

THE LIVING DEAD GIRLZ

If the Pussycat Dolls and George A. Romero had a baby, it would probably resemble something like Amber Steele and The Living Dead Girlz.  These girls aren't just sexy, they're also talented.  With choreographed dance routines set with horrifying backgrounds, The Living Dead Girlz are a horror geek's ultimate fantasy.  If you're ever around San Fransico, CA...try to track them down and catch a performance.

JENNA JAMESON from ZOMBIE STRIPPERS

Seriously? This needs a description?  While Jenna Jameson's best acting contributions to the world were done lying on her back, she managed to get cozy with Robert Englund in genre guilty pleasure Zombie Strippers.  This film was nothing more than a role she was born to play, and horror fanatics around the globe are eternally grateful for it.  

 

TRASH from RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

And on the third day, God said "Let There Be Linnea Quigley".  Am I going to get crap for not saving her for last? Yes. Do I care? no.  Linnea Quigley's performance as Trash in ROTLD is quite possibly the zombie female performance to end all zombie female performances.  She was mouthy, scary, sexy, and horror fans couldn't get enough of her.  She could very well be responsible for setting an entire generation of horror geeks through puberty, and I don't think there's a single person out there who would complain about it.  She was the first, she's one of the best, and she's easily the inspiration for most of (if not the entire) sexy zombie movement. 

JULIE WALKER from RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III

 Trash may have been the original sexy zombie, but Melinda Clarke's portrayal of Julie Walker in ROTLD3 is easily the Holy Grail.  A combination of sex, undead, metal, and prowess, Julie Walker is easily the end all be all of all things sexy zombie.  She's easily the only redeeming quality about the film, and her sex appeal has made quite the splash in the libidos of horror fans the world over. 

Can't get enough undead women?  Apparently the zombies in the new video game Dead Island are pretty sexy and they've composed a list of the seven sexiest zombies from the game over HERE.

WHAT DOES A FEMALE HORROR FAN LOOK LIKE?

Finals week is peering its ugly head from beyond the horizon and I'm only five days away from opening my first show in Chicago.  This weekend was spent participating in WIU's Theatre Department fundraiser, Macomb Madness: 24 hours of Theatre.  In just 24 hours, groups of people wrote, produced, and performed short plays.  Yours truly was selected as a playwright and had from 4pm Saturday evening to 4am Sunday morning to develop a 10 minute play. (Mine ran about 15 minutes...oops).  Our play topics were decided by pulling a person, place, and thing out of a hat.  I had my fingers crossed for zombies and was hoping I would be given something horror related to work with (I ended up with James Earl Jones, The Playboy Mansion, and Fairies), when someone said to me "Wait...you like zombies?"  I replied enthusiastically and shamelessly plugged my blog when they looked at me and said "You don't look like a horror fan".  At this point, I'm used to people knowing that I love horror films and it has been quite a while since someone has questioned my macabre loyalty.  I honestly didn't know what to say.  I just smiled and walked away unsure of how to handle the situation. 

Not too long ago, I wrote an article that poised the question of female horror fans and tattoos.  I received an overwhelming abundance of emails and comments from horror fans both male and female that have shared similar experiences of judgement because they don't "look" the part of a horror fan.  A woman I highly admire, Tenebrous Kate, commented "Women *in general* are judged based upon their appearances, and that there's this (stupid) idea that women are somehow new to the idea of being fans of genre entertainment (science fiction, horror, comics--you name it!) and evoke hostility just by being present at horror events. It's frustrating to see that there's still the lingering ghost of that awful choice between pretty OR smart, whether your definition of "pretty" includes technicolor hair and body modifications or leans towards a fresh-faced, clean-cut aesthetic."  She's absolutely right.  I will never understand the idea that anyone with a vagina is immediately seen as a n00b in the realms of anything outside of romantic comedies.  Women have been a staple in just about every genre and in some cases, are the backbone of the entire genre.  Don't believe me?  Where would the Halloween franchise have gone if there wasn't a Laurie Strode?

Jeanette Laredo of Monster Land has been another one of my female horror comrades that shares the stigma of "not looking like a horror fan" She says, "I think that it's about stereotypes and how we expect people interested in certain things to look a certain way. My husband always tells me that I look far too adorable to be talking about exploitation horror and bloodsucking monsters. We all look for signifiers to determine how we categorize people. This makes it hard for women not sporting tats and a cherry red moehawk who feel like they won't be accepted on the basis of their passion for the genre, which is complete BS. Female horror fans come in all shapes, sizes, and hair colors, so give a girl a break".  I just want to know, who the hell decided that all horror fans were living alternative appearing lifestyles?  When is the last time a woman starred in a horror film and was covered in ink, piercings, and edgy haircuts?  It seems that because horror films deal with things outside of cupcakes and bridal showers, that women must appear goth/punk in order to earn some sort of horror street cred. 

Lianne Spiderbaby, writes for Fangoria and has some of the most mad horror chops of any woman I've ever known.  She says "I don't have any tattoos or piercings... I used to look edge-ier back in the day (a marilyn, and a chelsea cut look), but I wanted to be different and stand out in the horror world, and I've achieved this by just being myself in the sense of looking more... "normal" I suppose. I successfully started writing for Fangoria magazine, writing my first book on exploitation actresses, and writing my first horror screenplay without having a tattooed-goth look..." So someone explain to me where this idea developed?  The horror genre has always been proud to accept all walks of life into their realms, and yet they have somehow now developed the stigma that you can't be a "true" fan unless you appear edgy and "out of the norm".  It just doesn't make any sense to me.

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Of course this isn't to say that looking "different" is a bad thing.  That's not what this is saying at all. What I'm trying to ask is, "why can't we both exist?"  As a group of people who should know better than anyone that bucking the system not only gets you snubbed at the Oscars but little to no respect from film critics, we should know by now that it isn't the exterior that matters, it's the heart.  Now, I'm well aware that there are TONS of people that do not share this same opinion of stereotyping people, I'm gearing this more towards the status quo.  I'm a horror fan, and I'm proud that I look the way I do.  It's only a matter of time before other people start doing the same.