NIGHTMARE ALLEY: AN ANTHOLOGY OF AWFULSAUCE

If you've been a longtime reader of Day of the Woman, you should know that BJ-C is quite the indie film lover.  I'm a firm believer that a budget does not determine a film and a body count isn't a measurement of horror.  With that being said, I LOVE low budget, awful horror movies.  I'm a total gorehound and am always the girl in the back of the theatre laughing at the dismemberment instead of huddling under my seat.  I'm one of the biggest supporters of indie films and I have a strict policy on Day of the Woman to never turn down an indie film regardless of backing or not.  HOWEVER-I will not spoon feed less than stellar films to my readers...because that's just rude.  Your mom didn't give you hot-wet garbage for dinner, and I won't either. Not that long ago, I wrote a piece over at The Blood Sprayer about the differences between a campy film and a crappy film.  I gave many examples of GOOD campy films, but didn't focus too much on BAD campy films.  I've been avoiding reviewing this film for a while after the debacle that occurred over at Planet of Terror between good pal Cortez the Killer and some "Anonymous" fanboy, as well as the tirade the director went on over at The Blood Sprayer...but after hearing it is going to be reviewed in Rue-Morgue magazine, I have to bite the bullet, accept the possibility of being e-harassed, and deliver everyone an old fashioned rant.

Nightmare Alley is quite possibly the WORST film I have ever seen.  I didn't request Nightmare Alley to be sent to me, but after hearing so much smack talk about it, I took the initiative to develop my own opinion of the film.  Now the people behind this toasted shit sandwich did quite the job at slapping on a pretty outfit and whoring this piece of trash all over the proverbial corners of the horror blogosphere.  If you're wondering why I'm taking such a harsh tone in describing this film, understand that my tact checked out the door after the producer stalkingly attacked two of my dearest horror chums in defense of this shitstorm.  On that side note, I would gently like to direct your attention to a little guide a wrote specifically for indie filmmakers.    I digress,  Nightmare Alley was clearly an attempt at the "so bad it's good" style of filmmaking that only a true horror fan can appreciate.  I commend any filmmaker for attempting to create a film in this sort of style for it is next to impossible to successfully execute it.  There is a very fine line between so bad it's good and downright bad.  Nightmare Alley didn't just fall off the tight-rope, it took a flying swan dive through a ring of fire and splattered on the pavement before the audience vomited all over the result in protest.

The film is broken apart into 8 stories (much like a Creepshow film...but amateur at best with 5th grade Halloween party special fx) which I found to be the biggest problem with the entire film.  With this many stories, it's difficult for the viewer to develop a connection with any of the characters or appreciate any of the humor.  The stories are unoriginal to say the least and poorly written. I'm sorry, but I've seen better and scarier episodes of Goosebumps.  I agree with my comrades in saying if the film concentrated on three to four of the episodes (much like Trick 'R Treat) this would have vastly improved the film.  Unfortunately, we do not live in a world of "what ifs" and we are instead left with a piss-poor excuse for a horror anthology and 88 minutes of our lives that could have been better spent counting white rice from behind a sneeze guard at Panda Express.  

Not far behind the storyline, the special fx look like something out of a junior high haunted house.  Let me write this as boldly and as obviously as I possibly can for all of those out there who want to cry "low budget hater" at me.  A LOW BUDGET HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BAD FX.  I've been a huge promoter of Indymogul.com's Backyard FX as they have shown the world how to create quality horror FX while sticking it to the recession.  This film obviously doesn't know how to work their way around the googler, as everything looked AWFUL.  I'm not even talking Dead Alive big and brutally awful, I mean "I was four seconds away from leaving the price tag on my prop leg" awful.  The makers also have absolutely ZERO comprehension as to how to even use a damn camera.  Say it with me: FOCUS.  For the love of God, you'd think they used cotton balls as a lens filter for half the movie.  Shit, I've seen Senior Photos that look edgier and classier than this film.  That and they obviously borrowed the subway lights from Adventures in Babysitting to try and illuminate their fail-whale of a film.

Nightmare Alley definitely has it's heart in the right place, but it just didn't work.  Passion for the genre, doesn't automatically make a good movie.  Need a better example?  Look at M. Night Shyamalan.  You're welcome.  This film tries to get away with it's poor film making by claiming to be a low-budget thrill ride, but it's nothing more than a shit sandwich dipped in hobo sweat that is clawing at it's low budget as a way to excuse it's glaring flaws and instead be as cheesy and terrible as humanly possible.  I assume the people involved had a good time making this travesty, but no one else is in on the joke.  Their heart was in the right place, I really got what they were going for...but there was just no finish line at this 8 legged race.

I think The Liberal Dead said it best and for that, I have to steal their words. "Honestly it felt like a group of twelve year olds who had just discovered punk rock and indie horror went to their local Target with 30$, wrote up a brief script with crayons, then proceeded to steal mom and dad’s camcorder for an afternoon of goofing off with Halloween supplies for laughs."

I couldn't have said it better myself.