IF YOU TEXT IN THE THEATER, YOU'RE A DICK.

The glow of my nightmares...

Cell phones astonish me.  I'm proud to admit that I'm one of the last of a generation that didn't always have cell phones in the way that we have now.  Despite popular belief, I was alive for the Patrick Bateman cell phone and I definitely remember the super hero strength of Nokias and Nextels.  Unfortunately, I'm still young enough to be lumped in with a generation that would be absolutely clueless without a cell phone.  I'll be honest, the only phone numbers I have memorized are the ones I needed to have memorized in case the babysitter my mom hired for the night was psychotic. It's no surprise that cell phones, and more specifically, smart phones, are an incredible asset to society and our technological advances.  Unfortunately, we have become a little more than dependent on our all powerful cellphones and it's been intervening with aspects of our life where texting/googling/facebooking/tweeting/tumbling/angrybirding isn't acceptable. 

Many of you know that I'm an acting major at my University, but I also work as a House Manager for many of our productions and am one of the go-to people for delivering the friendly (yet threatening) curtain speeches to ask audience members not to text during the performance.  It's to be expected that in a collegiate environment there would be issues with students not following the rules but last year, the texting issue turned into an epidemic to the point where many professors are failing students taking theatre classes if they are caught texting during a performance.  I'm dead serious.  Just on my own watch, I've removed (and subsequently failed) over 20 students in the last year.  I just want to know, WHY AREN'T USHERS IN MOVIE THEATERS DOING THE SAME?! Honestly.  Do your fucking job.  I haven't been to a movie theater in the better half of a decade where I actually saw an usher do more than grab a ticket stub and open the door when it was over.  This lack of attention has given audiences this sense of freedom because there's no one telling them they're wrong.  Audiences are left to fend for themselves and if anyone has witnessed a scuffle between audience members, it becomes a giant fight on the internet.  Name calling, slurs, and Lord of the Flies-esque conflicts occur...and unless someone gets off of their ass to complain to the usher sitting outside the theater, nothing happens.  That's another thing, why the hell are people getting so defensive when asked to put your phone away?  If there were actual ushers/house managers enforcing the rules of keeping the cell phones in your pockets and your hands out of your partners, I think going to the movies would be far more enjoyable for everyone.

"Excuse me, you're rude...and who the hell still uses phones like that?"

IMAX’s CEO Greg Foster told Deadline that he seemed to like the idea of relaxing the absolute ban on phone use in theaters. He stated that his 17 year old son “constantly has his phone with him,” he says. “We want them to pay $12 to $14 to come into an auditorium and watch a movie. But they’ve become accustomed to controlling their own existence.” Banning cell phone use may make them “feel a little handcuffed.” I'm sorry, but exactly what in the hell are you on?  You may be the CEO of IMAX, but do you actually sit in the theaters and watch how your audiences interact?  They're not NOT going to the movies because they can't text, they're not going because it's too damn expensive.  I can buy a fifth of Vodka and watch Netflix and eat whatever I want and lay slovishly on the couch for the same price as going to a movie these days.  A commenter on the deadline page wrote: " In 1962, a kid could buy a ticket for a matinee for $0.35. In today’s dollars, that same ticket would be $2.63. Only it’s not. It’s $10-$13. Do you know what $10 today would have been in 1962? It would have been $75.76"   

Greg Foster is only promoting this idea because he wants a thicker pocket, not because he actually cares about the status of the theater.  If he did, he'd understand that texting in the theater is abysmal and we should be teaching these ungrateful little snots some manners instead of catering to their poor behavior. Another issue I have with Foster's statement is “But they’ve become accustomed to controlling their own existence.” Controlling your existence?!  You live at home, your parents make your food, and you're not even paying the god damn bill for the miniature computer sitting in your palm riddled with improper uses of the word 'you're' and nudes of your underage ex girlfriend.  I hate to break it to you, kid, but sometimes you have to play by other people’s rules.  What is so god damn important that you feel it necessary to be using your phone?  Movies are supposed to be an escape from reality, and people are deeming it acceptable to keep dragging it right back in.   It honestly makes me sick to know that instead of holding these brats accountable for their actions, there are big wigs in the movie industry that would rather roll over and continue on giving these kids a false sense of entitlement.  Keep it on up, Hollywood.  You're just helping Maury Povich further his career with your constant enabling.

Proper punishment for texting in the theater.

I don't know about you, but I think movie theaters should spend less time focusing on getting the unappreciative douchers into the theatre and instead concentrate on those that will actually enjoy the theater experience.  Sell alcohol in the theaters for 21+ showings, offer kettlecorn, lower the prices of movie candy so we'll stop smuggling in our own in our bras and instead buy yours, clean the god damn floors once in a while, and stop reserving more than one screen for a film just because Adam Sandler is in it.  Seriously, I couldn't see DRIVE in theaters because the one closest to me thought that Jack & Jill was a better option.  The biggest problem of the movie theater experience these days has less to do with the audience and more to do with the theater staff themselves.  I hate to say it, but you've created your own monsters.  Do your part and tame the beast yourselves.  

Also: God Bless The Alamo Drafthouse.

HELP SAVE THE PORTAGE THEATER

There are very few places in my life that I've ever associated with feeling like "home".  Sure, I've looked at hometown landmarks with smiles throughout the years, but for every positive memory I can surely associate a harboring tragedy in the same location.  This feeling is often what I use to express my views towards my schools, playgrounds, parks, and in some cases, my own home.  I can count on one hand the places in this world that will truly feel like "home" to me.  The Portage Theater of Chicago, IL is one of these places. 

Our society has become a world where our marquee theaters have been overrun by digital monsters with modern architecture causing every building to resemble an Apple Store.  The Portage Theater is a dying breed and is unfortunately at the risk of being lost forever.  Originally opened in 1920, The Portage Theater is an architectural landmark and one of Chicago's oldest movie houses. Since being purchased by new owners in 2006, the Portage Theater has been restored to its original beauty and serves as the centerpoint of the Chicago independent film community and a key venue for up-and-coming indie music artists.  The Portage is a breeding ground for film festivals, live music, school plays, and countless other showcases of local art forms.  I have never seen a theater quite like the Portage.  Where else can you buy $3.00 popcorn, booze, and enjoy an evening of silent films with a fully restored organ?  Yeah. Come back to me when your precious Google can't even solve that puzzle.  The Portage Theater comfortably seats 1,300, and with ample nearby parking (free if you know the neighborhood), and surrounded by some incredible shops and eateries.  When it comes down to it, you really can't find another theater quite like The Portage.

The historic Portage Theater is currently threatened by the potential purchase of the building it is in by the Chicago Tabernacle Church. The church proposes to convert the theater into their worship space, remove the marquee, alter the auditorium, and eliminate the storefronts and half the apartments for offices and classrooms. The thing that needs to be realized is that The Portage isn't some run-down building collecting dust, they're trying to destroy a functioning movie theater and concert venue which serves the community. To make matters worse, the current owner has invested more than $100,000 in the renovation and stewardship of this historic theater with deep roots in the Portage Park neighborhood of Chicago...and all of that effort and money will have been wasted for a church that could buy any number of the run down Chicago buildings. The loss of this historic icon in the heart of the Six Corners Shopping District would reverse years of planning and development, and be a true travesty to the community.

HOW TO HELP: 

1. Write a letter to the zoning board.  Download the a copy of the official letter here!

Zoning Board of Appeals
Jonathan Swain Chairman

121 N. LaSalle Street Room 905
Chicago, IL 60602

Clearly indicate on the envelope RE:The Portage Theater to ensure proper delivery


In the letter: Explain in your own words that the destruction of the Portage Theater, a neighborhood icon, will do irreparable harm to the largest commercial corridor outside the loop. Current business will be disrupted and future businesses will be scared away from moving into the community. Tax base will be lost and the Tax Increment Financing and Special Service Areas be harmed. The Portage Park neighborhood will lose a favorite and the Portage park economy will never be the same.

2.  Attend the Zoning Board of Appeals Hearing - April 20 - 9am - City Hall
3.  Sign up for updates on our contact page
4.  Join the Facebook page
5.  Tweet about the issue using #saveportage
6.  Recruit others to do the same.
7.  Donate! Any donations will help offset legal and other fees related to saving the theater. 

For more information, visit:

http://savetheportagetheater.org