RANDOM RAMBLINGS FROM BJ-C

Maybe it's because I've got a hell of a lot of dance training under my belt, but I've never realized just how DREADFUL the opening cheer routine in Buffy The Vampire Slayer is. I get that it's high school, but I was cringing in my seats at the poor unison of the dance and the horrific technique of Kristy Swanson. I know that this is a cult classic, but when made, this film had a pretty decent budget. You'd think they could have spent more than five minutes on some choreography? Maybe? Jesus. Can I just be hired to fix scenes like this in horror films? The exact same thing should be said about Megan Fox trying to spin a flag in Jennifer's Body.  I'm sorry, but if you're going to have a character be a dancer, or a cheerleader, or a flag twirler, or a baton twirler, or an ice skater, or anything else, don't half ass it. It's unrealistic and insulting to those that actually give a rat's ass about performing. If you're going to go balls out to make yourself cry in a scene or believably look terrified of a CGI monster...learn the skills your character would have. Thanks.

I know I mentioned this earlier this week on my review of Season 1 of Holliston, but I think it's a question that deserves repeating.  Can someone explain to me why Laura Ortiz isn't getting more work? Seriously, I really want to know.  She's beautiful, she's got a hell of an unique voice, she's got great range (as seen between Hills Have Eyes compared to Holliston), and her comedic timing is impeccable. I mean that, she makes lines funny that I honestly don't think Adam Green wrote to be nearly as funny as they become.  I just, I don't get it.  Why are horrendous actresses like Amanda Seyfried and Vanessa Hudgens still cranking film after film while Laura Ortiz is being completely brushed over? She's not only talented, but a solid individual who even sat down with John Squires of Freddy in Space for an interview.  Anytime an actress is willing to do an interview for a blog, they immediately skyrocket to a higher level of respect in my book. She deserves the very best, START CASTING HER.

I have a hankering suspicious that Chernobyl Diaries is going to tank at the box office.  While I think the premise is actually pretty unique and the Paranormal Activity name might reel in some people, I have got a horrifying statement to let you all in on.  There's an overwhelming amount of people that have no idea what the Chernobyl Disaster was. I shit you not.  Before the end of the semester I was discussing how I want to see this film simply to see radiation mutated freaks and they had no idea how I knew they'd be radiation mutants.  I stared blankly and asked as non-judgemental as possible, "Do you know what happened at Chernobyl?"  All of them said "No."  ALL OF THEM.  These people are graduating college with legitimate degrees and had absolutely no idea what Chernobyl was, where it happened, or how devastating it was to those around and involved...and I don't know, THE REST OF THE FREAKING WORLD.  The sad part is, it's not just those people.  There's an overwhelming amount of people online asking what Chernobyl is and what happened and if it's a real place. I'm serious. Google it. It'll make your head spin.

The surprisingly solid film Chronicle (penned by the uncontrollably sexy spawn of John Landis, Max) came out on DVD today.  I'm not sure if this is the sort of film that I'm going to add to my DVD collection but I would definitely say that it more than deserves a rental or addition to the Netflix queue.  Max Landis has a strong grasp on character development and generating an original twist on the telekinetic powers that seemed to have been overrun by blood soaked prom queens and the adorable spawn of Danny DeVito and Rhea Pearlman. 

Can we go back to the vampires resembling the ones of the late 80's and early 90's?  Now that Twatlight is almost on its way out, I think that our fanged friends need a re-vamp so to speak.  The vampires of The Lost Boys, Near Dark, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer are a fabulous balance of sex appeal, fear, and edge.  We really need to bring that back.  Late 80's and early 90's may have given us some questionable fashion choices and strange hairstyles, but they made some killer fucking vampires.  *sigh* They just don't make them like they used to.

HOLLISTON: HORROR NERDS FINALLY GET A SHOW TO SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE

Before any of you jump down my throat for showing up a little more than fashionably late to this party, I'd like to kindly remind you that I've been slaving away in an underfunded state school dorm room that cannot afford two ply toilet paper, let alone digital cable.  So get off it. That being said, I'm about to be up to my eyelids in five figures of student loan debt, so I can't exactly pay for episodes of the show on iTunes...so I made the executive decision to suffer until today when I finally came home to the comfort of a 52 inch hi-def with ONdemand and the finest couches a tax return can buy.  Thanks, Mom & Dad. Anyway, within an hour of being home, I planted myself onto the living room couch, took command of the remote, and got myself ready for a hot date with Adam Green and Joe Lynch in a little place called Holliston.

First of all, I need to explain my thoughts on Adam Green.  When Hatchet first came out, I wasn't into it.  Maybe it was due to my horror hipster phase or maybe I'm just a huge pretentious bitch.  Either way, I seemed to be the ONLY person on the planet that thought it was a hot horror tranny mess.  I didn't understand the fascination with Adam Green and I'm pretty sure my opinions got me crossed off of John Squires' (of Freddy in Space) Christmas list.  I will admit after seeing the Green produced GRACE and being utterly blown away by FROZEN, I was willing to bite my tongue and admit...Adam Green doesn't suck. I honestly think that he's actually quite far from sucking. In fact, I just may think he's, well, you know...brilliant. There, I said it. It's been stated, it's published on the internet, you can all throw your parades of "I Told You So" and I will deal with it. I've since given both Hatchet & Hatchet II a second chance and you know what, it's growing on me. YEP. AGAIN. I FUCKING SAID IT. IT'S GROWING ON ME. Hey, you there, turn that condescending half smile towards someone else, Tool-io Iglesias...I can feel your judging eyes all the way through the internet.

Joe Lynch I've never had any "meh" feelings towards, so that wasn't even on the radar. ANNNNYWAY, So, Holliston.  I just dedicated nearly six hours of my life in a single sitting experiencing the first season of this show.  You know something? I regret nothing. In fact, I might do it again sometime soon.  Holliston is the epitome of all the things that make the pants of fanboys fight tighter everywhere.  "Adam and Joe are two down on their luck guys living in the small New England town of Holliston, Massachusetts and struggling to chase their dream of becoming horror movie filmmakers... all while dealing with life, their day jobs, and the opposite sex. With a cast that includes a cross dressing sexually inappropriate boss, a mentally handicapped cat, and an imaginary friend/alien who lives in the closet... Holliston re-invents the traditional sit-com as we know it and breaks new (and sometimes bloody) ground." <-Jacked from their Facebook. Can I just mention that the cross dressing boss is played by Dee Snider of Twisted Sister and the imaginary friend is Oderus Urungus of GWAR? I can? Okay. Awesome.

Holliston delivers to genre fans in absolutely every sense of the word.  Whether it's Joe Lynch rocking a Fright-Rags T-Shirt, mentioning films like C.H.U.D., playing a horror quote drinking game, or doing a "Six Degrees of Robert Englund," it's abundantly clear that this show was made with the heart of horror fans in mind.  One of my biggest praises for FROZEN was how genuine the dialogue felt, and the same can be said for this show.  While very campy, many of the conversations, references, and phrases uttered sound like something out of the horror kid's handbook.  All of the episodes are hilarious, but filled with plenty of gore and gross outs to fulfill our sick desires. For only six episodes, the show packed more horror and nerdy star power cameos than most conventions.  The show is incredibly self referential (saying "we're not going to take it anymore" to Dee Snider) in the most obvious and entertaining ways possible.  Most films or television shows will throw an occasional bone to the fans, but Holliston is just one, huge, bone delivered hard and fast to the audience, and I mean that.  The strange thing, is that it isn't purely a circle jerk for horror fans.  My younger sister is a total sorority type (literally, she's a god damn cheerleading sorority girl) and she watched the first two episodes with me and laughed along.  When I told her Green was the guy behind FROZEN (a film I unleashed on her sorority sisters when looking for a thrill) she was blown away at how funny he was. 

The real underdog of the show however, has gotta be Laura Ortiz.  You may recognize her from The Hills Have Eyes and Chillerama, but I am officially obsessed with her.  Laura Ortiz plays the Colombian girlfriend of Joe Lynch, and she has IMPECCABLE comedic timing.  The combination of a voice out of Whoville, kaleidoscope eyes, and the innocence of a de-clawed kitten in a bowl of sugar flavored cotton balls thrown into the sarcastic environment of Adam and Joe is a recipe for perfection.  Her lines are some of the most well written and her execution is absolutely flawless.  I just gotta know, why the hell isn't she getting more work and Whitney Cummings can have her own show?! It's a travesty and needs to be stopped. Thankfully, Holliston has been green lit for a second season and I can further enjoy the shenanigans of the crew.  Corri English fills out the rest of the team and her performance is a bit hit or miss for me.  If I'm being completely honest, her wardrobe is a bit distracting in my opinion. I understand wanting to have a hot blonde character, but why do all of her outfits have to look like they're cosplayed versions of herself? I'm all for sex appeal, but it's so out of place it just doesn't jive. That's just me, though.

Holliston is a show that speaks from the bleeding heart of horror nerds everywhere and keeps on pulling punches. The show is NOT for everyone (meaning: people who get severely butthurt by offensive humor) but for those who understand it's just a joke and not a dick to be taken so hard...this show is right up your alley. It's a hell of a ride filled with plenty of horror niblets to chew on, jokes with the intellect of Oscar Wilde but the maturity of your fourteen year old best friend, and enough slang terms for the vagina to make the length of vagina terms in Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo look like a half-assed review written by a pathetic pandering horror blogger! Wait, did I say that?