WHY I PRAY AT THE ALTAR OF DAVID WONG

I'm going to say something here and now that I've never said on this blog. Illinois sucks. Seriously. It does.  Chicago (and its suburbs) are their own insane subplanet and are therefore immune to the soul crushingingly devastating side effects of growing up in an area where domestic beer is a food group and corn fields are used as landmarks.  I'm talking about West, Central, and Southern Illinois.  Every now and then, a few of the inhabitants manage to escape the treacherous grasps of inconsistent climates and corrupt government officials and actually make something of themselves.  As a current college student thrown out of my familiar city environment into a campus with the undisputed title of Keystone Light's largest importer (I wish I was kidding, I really, really do) it's no surprise that the number one goal I have in my life is to escape this place and never EVER have to look back.  Horror Screenwriter Marcus Dunstan did it with flying colors, and I've only been recently discovering others who have done the same.  Witness Jason Pargin, better known to the world as David Wong. 

Unless you hate comedy and America, you've heard of Cracked.com, the website that saved the name MAD Magazine made its bitch throughout the history of everything.  Cracked Magazine was the Daniel Baldwin to MAD Magazine's Alec.  After Al Gore invented the internet however, MAD was left cranking out terrible television shows and Cracked figured out exactly how to reign supreme...with numbered lists, hilarious commentary, and wit that would make Oscar Wilde blush. Jason Pargin is the Senior Editor and writes for the site under the pen name David Wong and not only does he restore faith that society doesn't really think things like Jack & Jill are funny, but he's bred right out of Southern Illinois. In fact, he's STILL there. Props to him. Seriously Growing up in this area would require you to develop a hell of a personality, and David Wong clearly has.  Not to mention the most important reason I'm discussing him, he knows the shit out of horror. All of cracked seems to be compiled of fanboys/girls but Wong is easily their Captain.

The first article I ever read on cracked was one written by Wong and TE Sloth titled "5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen" and featured an image of the horde outside of the Winchester pub from Shaun of the Dead.  I remember sitting in my white walled dorm cell with nothing but the glow of my macbook in my face reading this article and thinking to myself "Holy Shit, this guy is the Messiah."  From then on, I've been HOOKED on Cracked and they even have an entire section on their website ENTIRELY DEDICATED TO HORROR. There was even an article that linked to my blog at one point and THIS ARTICLE still remains to be my second highest read article of all time because of it.

A movie called John Dies At The End recently took the Sundance film festival by storm, and the film is a horror comedy based entirely on the book of the same name written by, you guessed it, David Wong. From what I've heard, the film is much like the book in that it's the sort of thing that may not be fully understood by all, but is appreciated and highly enjoyed by those who love comedic horror.  Somehow, a guy who writes on the internet and wrote a book got the frackin' director of Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep to turn his book into a movie.  If David Wong isn't "the man" I'd pay a hefty sum of whatever is in my pocket to see who is.  I've read John Dies At The End and it's really, really funny.  I knew Wong could write hilarious commentary, but he writes some pretty snicker worthy dialogue as well, a feat most comedic writers cannot achieve. (I'm looking at you every movie written by a stand-up comedian, ever).  More importantly, David Wong has helped ease horror back into the lives of mainstream, normal folk.  Cracked is read by a kajillion people a day, and just think...every time a horror article is read, a zombie gets his brains. 
 
David Wong: I salute you.

BJ-C's HORROR ABC's!

Today's program was brought to you by reader like you, Thank-you!  I've gotten an overwhelming amount of emails and responses from people about the "twist ending" post I did last week, Oh, and it's also brought to Andre Dumas of The Horror Digest.  If you don't read The Horror Digest, you're wasting far too much time on my blog and not enough exploring the wonderous world of the horror blogosphere.  I don't want to give my homegirl a big head, so I guess I should note that this meme rightfully named the  Cinematic Alphabet  is the brainchild of Rupert Pupkin Speaks.  The rules are simple, write a film for every letter of the alphabet.  It's like pre-school all over again, but you get to pick what the letters stand for instead of settling for mundane examples like "apple" or "bat" or "catheter".  I've somehow managed not to repeat anything that Andre or Chris Hadden over at Fascination With Fear posted which trust me, was a hell of a lot harder than it looks.  Enjoy!

A is for Alice, Sweet Alice

B is for The Beyond

C is for The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari

D is for Dracula's Daughter

E is for Eraserhead

 

F is for Freaks

G is for Ginger Snaps

H is for Happy Birthday To Me

I is for I Walked With A Zombie

J is for Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

K is for Kingdom of the Spiders

L is for Last House On The Left

M is for Monkey Shines

N is for Near Dark

O is for Opera

P is for Pathogen

Q is for Queen of Blood

R is for Return of the Living Dead

S is for Splinter

T is for Theater of Blood

U is for The Uninvited

V is for Village of the Damned

W is for When A Stranger Calls

Don't you dare try to tell me this isn't horrifying.

X is for Xanadu

Y is for You'll Find Out

Z is for Zombie Strippers

SLENDER MAN: THE UNTAPPED SAVIOR OF THE HORROR GENRE

"We didn't want to go, we didn't want to kill them, but its persistent silence and outstretched arms horrified and comforted us at the same time..."

If the experiment with Perkins 14 taught us anything, it's that sometimes original ideas aren't half bad.  It's just the actual production that tends to jack everything up.  Now, we must admit as horror fans that one of if not the biggest complaint we all make is the fact that production companies crank out oodles of dough for less than stellar story lines and the ever-so-dreaded remake craze.  The sad part is that the internet has happily handed over us a slice of fried gold, and the internet seems to be where it is staying.

Enter: Slender Man.  The Slender Man is a fake mythical creature completely created on the forums of SomethingAwful which has since grown to be a psuedo-meme and invaded more than it's original forum.  He's become the target of numerous deviantART pages, youtube channels, and fanfictions.  The brain child of Victor Surge, The Slender Man is usually shown as a tall and thin silhouette, wearing black pants, a black suit with a white shirt, and a black necktie underneath. He's normally depicted without a face and has the ability to stretch and shorten his arms as well as sport some crazy tentacle type things.  Think if "The Tall Man" from Phantasm and Doc Ock from Spiderman had a baby.

 The amazing thing about The Slender Man is that the tribulations of internet forum lurkers everywhere have contributed to create an immensely creepy backstory. According to the Mythical Creatures Guide, "He has the need to kidnap children, and is seen right before the disappearance of a child or multiple children. He seems to prefer fog enshrouded streets and wooded areas as a way to conceal himself from being noticed. It should also be noted that children have been able to see him when no other adults in the vicinity could. Children also have dreams or nightmares concerning The Slender Man before their disappearance. Confiding these stories to their parents are met with the usual parental admonition: overactive imaginations."  It goes on to say "Even though The Slender Man is a total fabrication, people have already claimed sightings. He appears to the unwitting mostly at night, and most always peering out of wooded areas or near rivers. He has also been reported to peek inside left open windows and to walk out in front of lone motorists on long uninhabited roads. The Slender Man or men, have appeared everywhere from Japan, Norway, and America to name a growing few."  While The Slender Man is nothing more than a character created for a contest, it doesn't change the fact that he is extremely haunting.  I can't help but look at the media created in his image and believe that Victor Surge is really just outing a creature that we've all been too chickenshit to make mention of.  I know that's complete rubbish, but it's fun to think about.  Which is the real point of this entry.

Why don't we take a step back from the bad remakes and the PG13 teen-horror garbage, and actually put together a solid film with a character that has already established a following as well as been proven to scare the wits out of anyone who sees it.  The Slender Man is something that the /b/tards of 4chan like to say "once it's been seen, you can't unsee it".  SO WHY AREN'T WE INVESTING IN THIS!?  We all know production companies only care about money, and this is a GUARANTEED cash cow.  There's enough internet buzz and e-bsession surrounding it, that the film would be next to impossible to flop.  It's a highly marketable creature because of how simplistically scary he is, and it would be the face of slasher films for the new millennium.  Think of the sequels and Halloween costumes this could generate!  If Hollywood wants to save the horror genre, someone should invest in some Slender Man.  Then again, since when does anyone listen to horror fans that actually like horror?  We'll probably get a cartoonish Candlejack movie before they crea

Please note that the post is supposed to end in the middle of the section. Google around some Candlejack mythology and you'll understand the joke :)